Keith Richards says Mick Jagger has been "unbearable" since the '80s, has a tiny penis

Ensuring its place right near the top our Christmas wish list, Keith Richards’ new, probably half-dreamt autobiography Life has a few choice digs hiding among its misty, bong-water-colored memories, most of them having to do with, naturally, Mick Jagger. Among the things you’ll learn if you read Life (or even just this article about it):

– Richards’ nicknames for Jagger are “Brenda” and “Your Majesty.” (The former isn't a total revelation, seeing as Bill German's Under Their Thumb already addressed this: Richards nabbed the name from author Brenda Jagger.)

– The distance between Richards and Jagger is such that Richards hasn’t “been to his dressing room in 20 years.” But that's where they put all the good cantaloupe!

– Trying to pinpoint exactly where their relationship went sour, Richard writes, “It was the beginning of the Eighties when Mick started to become unbearable”—which probably isn’t news to anyone who bought She’s The Boss.

– Mick Jagger also has a “tiny todger” that never satisfied Marianne Faithfull (but he does have “an enormous pair of balls,” which, thanks for that image)—which is, again, probably not news to anyone who read Faithfull’s own memoir, or ever heard Janice Dickinson talk about the reasons why she’s famous.

Interestingly, Jagger has reportedly already read the book and asked only that Richards remove a section about his using a vocal coach. Richards politely told him to piss off. Oh, and Johnny Depp was hanging out with Richards’ son for two years before Richards (who suspected Depp might be a “dope dealer”), finally realized, “Woah, Scissorhands.” Fantastic. Whoever typed this stuff up is a hero.