As America enters its fourth week of being ruled by a borderline-illiterate, flame-war hawking, fame-obsessed stooge for a cabal of angry, racist dumplings nursed in a lab from one of Rush Limbaugh’s polyps on a steady diet of Infowars and whiskey, and while our negligent dad repeatedly hands the national keys to every state department to the most incompetent toadies he can find so he can get back to watching TV and golfing, and as he and his horde of living memes blithely dismisses as “fake news” the hourly mounting evidence that he stopped just short of donning an ushanka and wrestling a bear for Vladimir Putin’s amusement in order to get elected, Billboard reports that Kid Rock has been put forth as a potential candidate for Senator. Hey, why not? Nothing matters anymore. Let’s Slim Pickens this thing out, baby, straddle the H-bomb, and whoop and holler “BAWITDABA, DA BANG, DA DANG DIGGY DIGGY” all the way to nuclear winter. MY NAME IS KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID YOU FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOT.
Kid Rock—whose real name is Bob Ritchie, and whose actual chances of becoming a member of our nation’s legislative branch were recently upgraded to “Fuck it”—was named at a recent Michigan Republican Party convention, by a bunch of gleeful, giggling children who no longer have to pretend to work, as a contender for the seat currently occupied by Democrat Debbie Stabenow. Stabenow has held that office since 2000, having worked her way up through the Michigan state legislature, presided over the Michigan House of Representatives, and unsuccessfully run for governor in 1994, before serving first in the national House of Representatives, then the Senate. During her tenure, Stabenow has chaired both the Senate Agriculture Committee and the Senate Democratic Policy Committee, been a vocal advocate for health care reform, and introduced legislation that protected lands granted to displaced Native Americans and banned drilling in the Great Lakes.
On the other hand, Kid Rock has written rap-rock songs such as “Cowboy” and “American Bad Ass” that have given many Americans something to blare from their trucks while they drive them through mud for fun, then have Coors Light-fueled fistfights about who’s gay. Naturally, Mr. Rock has become increasingly politically active over the years, and recently laid out his political platform by selling T-shirts that read, “God Guns & Trump” and “_onald Trump: The ‘D’ Is Missing Because It’s In Every Hater’s Mouth.” Truly, he is the Cicero of our hot-‘n’-ready Little Caesar’s age, and if he runs he will absolutely win, because we fucking deserve this.
Of course, Senator Rock has not yet weighed in on whether he would actually consider a political career, though he did offer a preview of the soaring populist rhetoric that will eventually carry him to landslide in a Monday appearance on The Big Interview With Dan Rather. There he explained who Kid Rock is, really, saying, “Somebody who likes to have fun, who likes to treat people kind, have a great time, stands up for what he believes in at all costs. I like to jerk people’s chains a little bit. It’s just fun for me. Y’know, I have a double-wide trailer up there, but I got a dude who drives me around in a Rolls Royce with a Waffle House plate on it. I think that’s awesome… I mean, start playing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’ right now. What’s more American than that?”
Again, we deserve this.