The anthropomorphic bottle of Jim Beam known as Kid Rock has lost his assault trial stemming from a 2007 incident in an Atlanta-area Waffle House, where a man named Harlen Akins reportedly “had words with” a female member in Rock’s party, after which Rock’s entourage scattered, smothered and covered the guy in a hail of fists. Has that joke been made already? Probably, but it was like three years ago, so whatever. There are only so many Waffle House-related puns on the menu, you know.
Anyway, Rock will be forced to pay 15 percent of the total $40,000 in damages—which includes $6,000 for medical fees, $700 for Adkins’ two (??) cell phones that were smashed, and the rest an arbitrary sum for “pain and suffering”—while Rock’s personal assistant will pay 10 percent, his executive assistant will pay 5 percent, and guitarist Jason Krause will pay 70 percent, which suggests he must have gotten some really good shots in. Akins’ lawyer reiterated that the verdict “wasn’t about money,” to which Rock’s lawyers replied, “It was just about money.” Let this be a lesson to everyone: Don’t eat at Waffle House. Unless you're super drunk and in the suburbs. And then, don't get into fights with anyone, especially if you're rich and famous. Now every time Kid Rock hears this song, it's gonna be like a stab of crispy bacon in his heart.