In past years, "Least Essential Reality-TV Offshoots" would have been a simple category with a single winner: say, 2002's American Idol: Greatest Moments, which etched Jim Verraros' name permanently into the pop canon. In 2003, the reality-based inessentiality requires categories of its own, broken down in order of popularity.
LEAST ESSENTIAL AMERICAN IDOL CASH-IN
Justin Guarini
Justin Guarini
For a few months back in 2002, Justin Guarini was a massive star, appearing on magazine covers and stealing untold millions of pubescent hearts. So why did his self-titled debut disc sell poorly enough to get him dropped from his record label? Could it be Guarini's prominent role in the year's least essential movie, From Justin To Kelly? His involvement in such monumentally inessential American Idol cash-ins as American Idol: Greatest Moments and American Idol: The Great Holiday Classics? It's certainly not the hair, so it might have something to do with Justin Guarini's 13 limp, vacuous songs. Few "Least Essential" categories were as hotly contested in 2003 as "Least Essential American Idol Cash-In": American Idol Season 2: All-Time Classic American Love Songs may be the most hellish show-choir recital ever, complete with the Idols' calamitous rendition of Lee Greenwood's "God Bless The U.S.A." But Guarini takes the prize for his sudden inability to incite passion in the least demanding audience on earth. It should be noted, however, that there ain't no doubt that the following people love this land: Clay Aiken, Kimberly Caldwell, Corey Clark, Julia DeMato, Joshua Gracin, Kimberley Locke, Carmen Rasmusen, Rickey Smith, Ruben Studdard, and Trenyce.
LEAST ESSENTIAL THE BACHELOR CASH-IN
Bob Guiney
3 Sides
Few have parlayed a brief run on a reality show into more multimedia successes than Bob Guiney, an also-ran contestant on The Bachelorette who went from comic-relief castoff to daytime-talk-show darling, author, solo recording artist, and object of affection in a Bachelor series that cast him as an unlikely paragon of romantic virtue. Guiney seems like a decent and likable guy, but seeing dozens of women simultaneously fall in love with him moments after meeting him was a little like, well, seeing him get a record deal. His national recording debut, 3 Sides, finds Guiney spreading his thin, familiar voice over 10 slickly produced but almost aggressively so-so tracks. Still, those who can't get enough of amiable mortgage brokers from Detroit should be thrilled to discover that, Christ Almighty, 3 Sides comes complete with an ad for the "Bob Guiney Official Store."
LEAST ESSENTIAL STAR SEARCH CASH-IN
Tiffany Evans/Spencer Day
Star Search: The Finalists
The American Idol of two decades ago, Star Search recently returned to the airwaves to reclaim a tiny speck of its former glory. Enough people watched to keep the show from being canceled before a winner was named, but eventual champ Jake Simpson isn't even as well-known as Vanessa Olivarez or Charles Grigsby, let alone Ruben Studdard or Clay Aiken. So, what could be less essential than Simpson's widely ignored, rice-cake-bland mini-album, Star Search Winner: Jake Simpson? How about Star Search: The Finalists, featuring one song each by forgettable Spencer Day and unforgettably histrionic Tiffany Evans? Jake Simpson is no Sam Harris, so what does that make his runners-up?
LEAST ESSENTIAL MAKING THE BAND CASH-IN
Bad Boy's Da Band
Too Hot For T.V.
P. Diddy is the Teflon don of hip-hop: He's constantly making shameless, disreputable moves, yet his prominent place among rap's powerful elite remains secure. His participation in Making The Band is a textbook example. The artist formerly known as Puff Daddy was shameless enough to spearhead the search for hip-hop's answer to O-Town, yet he walked away with kudos for tormenting his charges in an entertaining fashion. Alas, it's easy to see why fans who made the original Making The Band winner's album a commercial success decided that, dammit, they know O-Town, O-Town is a friend of theirs, and Da Band is no O-Town.
LEAST ESSENTIAL AMERICAN JUNIORS CASH-IN
American Juniors
Kids In America
Dispensing kiddie karaoke without the promise of its contestants being viciously dressed down by Simon Cowell, the ill-fated American Juniors instead tried to derive its conflict from the antics of a depressing assortment of stage parents. On the anonymously overproduced compilation Kids In America, all that's left is a glossy, horrible exploitation of child labor. The sticker on the front promises, "Look for the debut studio album featuring all-new recordings by your American Juniors in stores this November! Get online at www.americanjuniorsmusic.com for more info!" Oddly, the web site features no news on the November album, which seems to have mysteriously vanished from fall release schedules.