For a good part of the year, The A.V. Club has used its 11 Questions feature to ask celebrities about their first jobs and worst living situations. Part of that feature—the 12th question—also asked the interviewee to come up with a question for the next interview subject without generally knowing who they were. Those 12th questions have been weird, smart, and fun, and it seemed a shame to end 2014 without putting them together all in one piece. Thus, the following, which puts together the daisy chain of randomness known as “the 12th questions.”
Jenny Slate asked:
JS: Who seems like the most responsible celebrity?
Uzo Aduba answered:
UA: I would say Oprah Winfrey, because she uses her powers for good.
And then asked:
What else is there left to say about life?
Ron Funches answered:
RF: There’s so much left to say about life—there’s so much life left to live. I don’t know, I think that’s the wisest part: Ten years ago, it seemed equally possible for me to be dead in the street somewhere as it does to be on a television show. So it’s fun not knowing things. There’s so much left to say, people to meet, so much love to have and get your heartbroken probably. This seems like a very long answer—it’s not going to fit on a paper.
And then asked:
I want to know which Super Mario power-up best represents them. Are they like a mushroom, are they a Fire Flower, are they the star, or are they a Tanooki Suit, where they’re wearing a big squirrel outfit?
Derek Waters answered:
DW: An extra life. Without hesitation. I’m being serious for a second, then I’ll end it with a joke. I’m 34, I never thought I’d be where I am. I’ve had times in my life where I’m like, “I’m done. I don’t think this is working.” I believe I’ve been given an extra life. Are you crying?
And then asked:
In your opinion, what happened to Eddie Murphy?
Nia Long answered:
NL: Eddie is a friend and he is amazing and he is a beautiful genius. Eddie Murphy is fantastic.
And then asked:
Ask ’em what their favorite Now And Later flavor is. The candy.
“Weird Al” Yankovic answered:
WAY: I’d go with watermelon! Watermelon is the happy fruit, it’s hard to be sad when you’re eating watermelon. And even if it’s highly synthesized watermelon flavor, it still tends to make you happy because it reminds you of what real watermelons taste like.
And then asked:
What is your favorite marsupial?
Kumail Nanjiani answered:
KN: It’s hard to get out of the kangaroo trap, right? They’re fucking kangaroos and they have little babies in their stomachs, so I know it’s sort of a pat, obvious answer, but it’s like the fucking alpha marsupial. And they’re cute, but they’re also vicious. They’ve got so much going on for them.
And then asked:
All things being equal—diet, nothing else matters—what’s your perfect breakfast?
Eddie Pepitone answered:
EP: I’m vegan. By the way, tell Kumail that is not an inspired question. Lately it’s been applesauce with blueberries and nuts.
And then asked:
Since we live in such dire times economically, and there’s so much injustice going on, what would be your method of political activism that would really make a difference? Not just being on a computer and signing a petition. Would you go to the streets? Would you go to a congressman’s office?
Garfunkel And Oates’ Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci answered:
RL: Well, we work for Malaria No More, and I feel like that’s actually making a difference, which is nice. Gosh, we have nothing—this is a hard question.
I think I would put bowties on polo ponies, maybe.
KM: Bowties on what?
RL: [Laughs.] On polo ponies.
KM: My mind went immediately to “More instruments in schools” or something like that. But I don’t know if that does anything.
RL: You can have mine. We’ll both put bowties on polo ponies.
And then asked:
When Paul F. Tompkins wears sweatpants, does he feel like Clark Kent?
Paul F. Tompkins answered:
PFT: Oh yeah. And you know what? It’s exactly the same effect too. I have had people that I’ve been acquainted with for years walk right past me if I’m in gym clothes. It’s hilarious. I will look right at them, and as I’m opening my mouth to say “Hi,” they just keep walking. And I realize they did not register me as someone they know, just another human being on this planet. It’s an amazing thing.
And then asked:
When was the last time you cried?
Molly Shannon answered:
MS: My daughter and I were having a really sweet conversation, and I cried. I don’t want to get into what I cried about. But my daughter, Stella, and I were having a very sweet mother-daughter conversation and I got really choked up about something, and I cried. But it was a really special little conversation, and it was between my daughter and I, and it was about—I’d say—three weeks ago. I would say tears of joy.
And then asked:
What’s one of your most embarrassing moments?
R.L. Stine answered:
RLS: A lot of things come to mind, because I always manage to say the wrong thing. Let me see if I can tell this one: I was at a book convention and there was a picture book that was discussed in a panel that I just thought was dreadful. I thought it was everything that was wrong with picture books. And later on, I was walking around the convention and I stopped—there was a stack of this book that was discussed and there was a woman standing there and I said to her, “You know, this book is so bad. This book is the reason kids play video games. This is why kids don’t read. That’s how bad this book is.” And she said, “Well… I was the editor of that book.”
And then asked:
Why did you do this interview?
Sarah Silverman answered:
SS: I did this interview for various reasons. One: I’m a fan of The A.V. Club. That’s always who I look up to look at television reviews. Two: I have a love-hate with The A.V. Club because they broke my heart many times reviewing my show. And three: I’ve got a record coming out! Come on! The We Are Miracles album comes out September 22. September 23 worldwide.
And then asked:
What are your thoughts on boobs?
Leighton Meester answered:
LM: [Laughs.] Is a laugh an answer? Just kidding: I mean, they’re great. They’re awesome?
And then asked:
What is your favorite cuss word?
Nasim Pedrad answered:
NP: Well, it would be used as a noun, but “Fuckrag.” Like, “So-and-so is a real fuckrag today,” or “so-and-so is being a real fuckrag.”
And then asked:
If you got stuck on an elevator with Mark-Paul Gosselaar, do you think Saved By The Bell would come up?
John Hodgman answered:
JH: No, for a variety of reasons. One, even though I’m trapped in an elevator with Mark-Paul Gosselaar, I would like to respect his privacy. Two, I didn’t watch a lot of that show, so I would feel a bit of a phony bringing it up. It would feel artificial. If I had a genuine question about that show or that experience that I was truly curious about, then I would ask it, sure. But I don’t really have a burning question about Saved By The Bell that would come up. And three, I’m the kind of pretentious nitwit that, if I have to speak to a famous person, wants to show that I know their deep cuts. I’d probably say something like, “How’d it feel to be the fourth guy on NYPD Blue?” Not out of meanness. I kind of feel like that’s where I would want my career to go at some point. I’d like to usher out one of the longest running shows.
And then asked:
What have you done so far today?
Jeff Bridges answered:
JB: Well, I’ve gotten up and dealt with my emails. I’m preparing to go out in concert with my band, so I’m playing on my guitar and working out some of the songs. I’m going out to promote an album I just put out called Live of recordings we did this summer on tour with the band called The Abiders. So that’s what I’ve been up to today.
And then asked:
Are we doomed? And if not, why?
Maria Bamford answered:
MB: Yes. We’re doomed. And it’s okay. And that doesn’t take away from the fact that today’s pretty good.
And then asked:
Who can you trust when you can’t trust yourself?
Scott Aukerman answered:
SA: Oh, Maria! I hope she can trust herself. That’s kind of what life is all about in a way, finding close-knit people around you whom you can trust. I definitely feel like I can trust my wife. To a point! And I can probably trust my parents inasmuch as I trust their opinions. But I trust them to do the right thing by me. That’s what life is: trying to collect a bunch of people around you where, if you find yourself in a situation where you’re about to lose your condominium, one of them will reach out and give you $6,000 in order to save yourself knowing that they may not ever get it back.
And then asked:
I’m having trouble turning my pilot light of my water heater back on. I’ve looked it up online. Supposedly, you’re supposed to push a button while putting a flame in there, but there’s no actual button. It looks to be an electronic switch, and it says in the instructions to turn and depress the “on/off” button. There’s no “on/off” button. There’s just an “up” and a “down” button. I’m just clueless. I don’t know if I should call the gas company and pay $100. I’d rather save the $100 by not calling the gas company and just handling it myself, but I’m clueless, so can they come by and show me how to turn the pilot light of my water heater back on?
Jonathan Katz answered:
JK: No.
AVC: No, you wouldn’t mind, or no, he shouldn’t call the gas company?
JK: No, I wouldn’t mind.
AVC: So you’ll be by shortly to help Scott Aukerman with his water heater.
JK: Yeah, I’m happy to do it. He lives in Natick, Massachusetts, I’m hoping.
AVC: Maybe he could just bring his water heater there.
JK: It’s such a dangerous situation. Just the term “pilot light” has become kind of obsolete in the world of microwaves and convection ovens. Or maybe I’m just confusing my kitchen with the world.
And then asked:
Have you ever had sex with an animal?
Stephin Merritt answered:
SM: Humans are animals. So yes.
And then asked:
What’s the worst interview you ever had?
Emo Philips answered:
EP: The worst interview I ever had, I was performing at Yuk Yuk’s in London, Ontario. I did a morning TV show, and for whatever reason, it was a remote, and the producer interviewed me on the street. And I don’t think he’d ever done it before. I would start telling a joke, and he’d interrupt me about five words in.
And then asked:
If human brains are finite, and God is infinite, that means we can never know the mind of God. Therefore, is not then the only true blasphemy that of accusing someone of blasphemy?
Rhys Darby answered:
RD: My answer to that would be 42. Put that down. Some geeks will know what I mean there.
And then asked:
What is your favorite cryptozoological creature? And why?
Joel Hodgson answered:
JH: In Wisconsin there’s a mythical creature called the Hodag, and I’ve always loved it. It is in northern Wisconsin which is really—Wisconsin as it is, it’s already a lush state, lots of woods, everything’s green there—but northern Wisconsin is especially lush, and it’s very atmospheric. It rains a lot, and it just really, you know, it kind of fits that there.
In northern Wisconsin, there’s this creature called a Hodag. It’s kind of like a dragon, but they’re not that big. It’s like 6 feet long, and they have two horns, kind of like longhorns, so that’s what makes them different than a traditional dragon. Basically they did a hoax, like in the late 1800s, and they do a lot of taxidermy up there because there’s a lot of sportsmen—especially back then. So they made a really excellent, like, taxidermied version of the Hodag and claimed that they trapped it, and they just laid down this legend really beautifully. I’ve always been partial to that.
And then asked:
If you’re going to be executed, what’s your last meal?
And, coming full circle, Jenny Slate answered:
JS: Buffalo chicken fingers with sides of both ranch and bleu cheese, jalapeño poppers, a Shirley Temple with extra cherries, a Miller High Life with a couple splashes of Frank’s Red Hot in there, and no dessert because I’ve clearly been bad.