Howdy, ya’ll! Who’s ready for some good ol’ down-home pandering to a stereotyped Southern mentality? If anyone knows how to pander via the lazy tropes of countrified slang, it’s that there dang Paula Deen! You may remember that poor gal: after getting fired from the Food Network for cooking up a crockpot full o’ tasty racism, she decided to launch her own wang-dang-doodle online network, where, freed from the oppressive attitudes of those who disapprove of her acceptance of oppression, she can shove a stick of butter wherever she darn tootin’ well pleases. Now, to go along with that new plan, she apparently wants some new digs wherein she can fire up the vittles dispenser and git a-cookin’. So, she’s selling the little old country home she owns, a hardscrabble little slice of country life that happens to be a $12.5 million compound in Savannah, Georgia. Let’s take a tour, y’all!
To enter Paula’s sprawling residence, simply drive through the two small gatehouses holding up a horizontal wooden fence over your head, like some sort of deranged game of Limbo for your car. Once you’re through, congratulations! You have just entered Paula’s home—or the “Deen Of Inequity,” as they like to call it, for actually serious reasons having to do with racial and income inequality.
When traversing the approximately 14,500 square feet of land, be sure to admire them there flowers growing liberally around the premises., although you’re encouraged not to use the word “liberal” in any way. The Deen family likes to say they “put the ‘plant’ in ‘plantation’.” Ha ha! They have fun.
Like kitchens overflowing with various cookware and appliances Deen hasn’t actually touched since the early ’90s? They’ve got one! Why, you could rustle up some biscuits n’ gravy lickety split, as long as you’re willing to climb the ladder to reach the spoons. (Only ladles are kept at normal height. Small crap like spoons are stored where other unnecessary Deen-utensils are stored.)
Tired of not having a bathroom with its own living room? Fret no more, Paula’s got you covered. The green-themed bathroom on the right is actually kept in a separate dimension you have to enter Lion-Witch-And-Wardrobe-style, in order to not make the grounds feel too crowded. After all, you don’t want to be cramped in your palatial estate.
This can be used as a pool, although Paula had it built as a small gravy boat. The full-size boat is in the back.
Servant’s quarte– Just a lil’ ole place where anyone who chooses to be employed or not by the homeowners might want to take their rest! The Deen household is legally prohibited from saying any more.
Paula wouldn’t leave y’all hangin’ without a place to wet your whistle or go for a leisurely boat ride! This combination bar/wet docks/helicopter launch pad is just the thing for anyone who wants to evade the press, or maybe beat a quick retreat to their offshore tax haven.
The Deen estate is now accepting offers on this beautiful piece of property. What homeowner wouldn’t like to be able to walk around their lovely residence, knowing that it houses such incredible history involving one of America’s living treasures of cholesterol? After all, few people can welcome a guest into their home, point to the gazebo, and say with pride, “That’s where Paula Deen repeatedly used the N-word.”