Let's take a moment of silence to remember all the winners from last night's Emmys funeral
Last night was an evening of stunning upsets, baffling decisions, and moments of painful regret—but enough about the shitty Dexter finale. It was also the Emmy Awards, the annual funeral for television when mourners gather to pay tribute to those we lost through heartfelt eulogies and songs loosely inspired by Liberace, and then hand out some awards, if we have time. In case you were too busy watching Breaking Bad to watch Breaking Bad win for being the kind of show you’d ignore the Emmys for without a second thought, the full list of nominees and winners (in bold) is below.
To truly recreate the experience of watching the ceremony, pause after reading every few categories to listen to the entirety of Elton John’s Blue Moves, go stand awkwardly next to Shemar Moore, interpret your favorite series with a breakdance, or just sit quietly and think about death. (It spares no one.) Then get on Twitter and make the joke someone probably already made, wondering about the incensed speech The Newsroom's Will McAvoy will make about the injustice of Jeff Daniels winning over Bryan Cranston or Jon Hamm, sometime in its fourth season.
OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game Of Thrones
Homeland
House Of Cards
Mad Men
OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES
The Big Bang Theory
Girls
Louie
Modern Family
30 Rock
Veep
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Bonneville, Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis, Homeland
Kevin Spacey, House Of Cards
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Claire Danes, Homeland
Robin Wright, House Of Cards
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Nashville
Kerry Washington, Scandal
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Bobby Cannavale, Boardwalk Empire
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Jim Carter, Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage, Game Of Thrones
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Emilia Clarke, Game Of Thrones
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife
Morena Baccarin, Homeland
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Don Cheadle, House Of Lies
Louis C.K., Louie
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Lena Dunham, Girls
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks And Recreation
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Adam Driver, Girls
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Tony Hale, Veep
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Mayim Bialik, The Big Bang Theory
Jane Lynch, Glee
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Merritt Wever, Nurse Jackie
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Anna Chlumsky, Veep
OUTSTANDING MOVIE OR MINISERIES
American Horror Story: Asylum
Behind The Candelabra
The Bible
Phil Spector
Political Animals
Top Of The Lake
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Michael Douglas, Behind The Candelabra
Matt Damon, Behind The Candelabra
Toby Jones, The Girl
Benedict Cumberbatch, Parade’s End
Al Pacino, Phil Spector
OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS IN MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Asylum
Laura Linney, The Big C: Hereafter
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals
Elisabeth Moss, Top Of The Lake
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
James Cromwell, American Horror Story: Asylum
Zachary Quinto, American Horror Story: Asylum
Scott Bakula, Behind The Candelabra
John Benjamin Hickey, The Big C: Hereafter
Peter Mullan, Top Of The Lake
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story: Asylum
Imelda Staunton, The Girl
Ellen Burstyn, Political Animals
Charlotte Rampling, Restless
Alfre Woodard, Steel Magnolias
OUTSTANDING DIRECTING, DRAMA SERIES
Tim Van Patten, Boardwalk Empire
Michelle MacLaren, Breaking Bad
Jeremy Webb, Downton Abbey
Lesli Linka Glatter, Homeland
David Fincher, House Of Cards
OUTSTANDING DIRECTING, COMEDY SERIES
Lena Dunham, Girls (“On All Fours”)
Paris Barclay, Glee (“Diva”)
Louis C.K., Louie (“New Year’s Eve”)
Gail Mancuso, Modern Family (“Arrested”)
Beth McCarthy-Miller, 30 Rock
OUTSTANDING DIRECTING, MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE
Steven Soderbergh, Behind The Candelabra
Julian Jarrold, The Girl
David Mamet, Phil Spector
Allison Anders, Ring Of Fire
Jane Campion and Garth Davis, Top Of The Lake
OUTSTANDING WRITING, DRAMA SERIES
George Mastras, Breaking Bad (“Dead Freight”)
Thomas Schnauz, Breaking Bad (“Say My Name”)
Julian Fellowes, Downton Abbey (Episode 4)
David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, Game Of Thrones (“The Rains Of Castamere”) Henry Bromell, Homeland (“Q&A”)
OUTSTANDING WRITING, COMEDY SERIES
Jeffrey Klarik, Episodes (Episode 209)
Louis C.K. and Pamela Adlon, Louie (“Daddy’s Girlfriend Part 1”)
Greg Daniels, The Office (Finale)
Jack Burditt and Robert Carlock, 30 Rock (“Hogcock!”)
Tina Fey and Tracey Wigfield, 30 Rock (“Last Lunch”)
OUTSTANDING WRITING, MINI-SERIES OR TV MOVIE
Richard LaGravenese, Behind The Candelabra
Abi Morgan, The Hour
Tom Stoppard, Parade’s End
David Mamet, Phil Spector
Jane Campion and Gerard Lee, Top Of The Lake
INEXPLICABLE AND INCREDIBLY UNNECESSARY DANCE BREAK!
OUTSTANDING REALITY COMPETITION
The Amazing Race
Dancing With The Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
The Voice
OUTSTANDING VARIETY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
OUTSTANDING DIRECTING, VARIETY SERIES
James Hoskinson, The Colbert Report
Chuck O’Neil, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Andy Fisher, Jimmy Kimmel Live
Jerry Foley, Late Show With David Letterman
Jonathan Krisel, Portlandia
Don Roy King, Saturday Night Live
OUTSTANDING WRITING, VARIETY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Portlandia
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live
OUTSTANDING CHOREOGRAPHY
Derek Hough and Allison Holker, Dancing With The Stars
Derek Hough, Dancing With The Stars
Warren Carlyle, Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Carousel
Sonya Tayeh, So You Think You Can Dance
Mandy Jo Moore, So You Think You Can Dance
Napoleon Dumo and Tabitha Dumo, So You Think You Can Dance
Travis Wall, So You Think You Can Dance