While Netflix’s Fuller House prepares to reintroduce fans to the Tanner brood—to confront all the spouses and milkmen we’ve lost in these intervening years, which have brought us ever closer to our own deaths (and our own grief-stricken relatives crowding into a single home to mourn)—Lifetime is readying its own upsetting echo of the past. The Unauthorized Full House Story aims to delve into the behind-the-scenes drama of Bob Saget trying not to say “fuck” or whatever, in much the same way as last year’s The Unauthorized Saved By The Bell Story: by putting people in terrible costumes and hinting that maybe they hated their jobs sometimes, without doing anything that might actually land them in court.
To accomplish that, the Full House movie has retained two of the Unauthorized Saved By The Bell team’s producers as well as its writer, and even brought back Jordyn Olson—credited as “Fangirl” in Bell—to play the slightly older, but presumably not yet meth-addicted Jodie Sweetin. And today it’s released this photo of actors looking like vaguely insulting caricatures of the people they’re playing, which is really all anyone asks of a Lifetime biopic. Now you don’t even have to watch it.
As Dave Coulier, Justin Mader accurately captures the comic’s penchant for ugly patterned shirts that resembled the In Living Color credits. The faux-D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle all look like they were barfed on by a Delia’s catalog, just like most girls in the ’90s. Garret Brawith certainly has Bob Saget’s world-weary paternal smirk down (or maybe he’s genuinely happy not to be starring in another straight-to-video Jurassic Park knock-off). And finally, as Ellen Travolta John Stamos, Days Of Our Lives’ Justin Gaston asks whether it’s possible to be sued for libel over a wig. All told, it’s a cheap imitation that would barely pass muster at your office Halloween party; indeed, this should be good for watching while drunk.