Lindsay Lohan was found unconscious, and then everything got needlessly complicated

In what continues to be a tumultuous, torturously relayed month for Lindsay Lohan, production of Liz And Dick was once again marred by reports of Lindsay Lohan-type stuff, which continues to threaten to overshadow the solemnity of its screaming and mooning scenes. Earlier today, ABC News reported that Lohan was found unconscious in her Ritz-Carlton hotel room (IT'S A RENTAL), prompting a call to paramedics. It's since been cleared up that Lohan is fine and reportedly already back on set. But of course, there were several vague and contradictory footnotes that arrived along the way to shroud the incident in half-truths and stoke our most cynical assumptions—as every Lindsay Lohan tabloid report requires a Warren Commission-like investigation—mostly focusing on who called the paramedics and why, and, obviously, what Cuba had to gain.

The basic details, if you believe that such a thing can ever be so black and white: Lohan, suffering from "exhaustion," alarmed the surely beleaguered Liz And Dick production staff by failing to report to set and not answering phone calls to her room. A private doctor was dispatched to check on her, at which point she was determined to be "unresponsive." Depending on which report you believe, either the production team or the hotel then called the paramedics—as being Lindsay Lohan means that anytime you're just really, really asleep, people will naturally assume that you're dead. As it turns out, Lohan was neither dead nor any other condition that would necessitate a trip to the hospital, so she was released. Please check back later, as we are still working on how the military-industrial complex fits into this.