On March 24th, a bright white flash will blink across the horizon, clouds of billowing smoke will fill the sky, and the dust will settle all around with a resounding, "Duh." In other words, the new (old) season of The Hills will premiere on MTV.
My feelings on The Hills are well documented in this column. Basically, I can't stand it. Yet, I can't escape it. The Hills has a far-reaching idiotic Midas touch: everything it touches turns stupid. In fact, right now I'm wearing 12 prim, LC-style headbands, texting Brody Jenner, and an entire part of my brain sits glumly reserved for the knowledge that Heidi's last name is Montag––and I don't know how any of it happened.
Which is precisely why I've been assigned to review the new episodes of The Hills for TV Club. (That and torture.) In order to prepare for the oncoming deluge of blank stares, WTFs, and nightclub subtitles, I've decided to liveblog the new Hills trailer below. It's a kind of strength training: After sweating and crunching my way through the trailer, I'll be one step closer to hoisting The Hills over my head and throwing it hard against a wall, shattering it.
:01—Sparkles. This was a mistake.
:08—Look! It's one of the many spectres of Death, wearing a bow tie. Wait, that's just Teen Vogue.
:11—Death
:14—Death
:16—Who writes this? Also: Death
:23—If he's that French, where is his beret?
:29—Or at least a jaunty baguette in a basket, or Jordy, or something.
:40—Why isn't this over yet?
:53—That light should have been a nuclear explosion. Instead, it's just The Hills version of a star wipe.
:56—Death
:59—Death
01:14—They should have miked that better. I can barely hear Heidi & Spencer's showy fake fight.
01:26—What's more exciting: fashion or talking on Blackberries? The correct answer is both, also, neither.
01:30—Death
01:32—Death
01:33—They should probably be dead by now. Death is everywhere.
01:48—"You're making yourself cry." True. In so many ways.
02:02—Holy shit. She chilled here? Tell me she did not come in here and chill. This is where LC chills. The chillage of Heidi there would be so not chill. This season is all drama.
02:06—I'm pretty sure that was a gunshot at the end. At least, I hope it was.