Mariah Carey unleashes her dark magic, sends Glitter soundtrack to no. 1 on iTunes
The holiday season is upon us, and we all know what that means: Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” emerges from its dark cocoon, spreads its wings, and storms the music charts to reclaim its position as unstoppable yuletide earworm. But this year, tradition would not placate Mimi.
No, this year was the emancipation of failed movie star, Mariah Carey, from her sorry fate of box office ignominy, through the dark sorcery of the pop star’s designs upon her long-ago film soundtrack. Glitter, the fetid lump of celluloid that the genre of camp took one look at and said, “Yikes, hard pass,” has endured as a cautionary tale of cinematic poison, a wretched movie featuring a performance from a pop singer trying her hand at acting and instead providing a fine reminder of why music videos don’t usually let the singer talk. Along with dismal reviews, the film’s soundtrack was equally lambasted for being a corny and slapdash affair of limpid disco and ’80s throwbacks, chockablock with some of the worst music of Carey’s career, even in comparison to “Did I Do That.”
But the singer of “Fantasy” would not allow for such an embarrassing conclusion to the tale. Wielding supernatural forces far beyond our understanding—and prepping for the release of new album Caution on Friday—Carey presumably managed to cast a mystical spell upon her fans, who then took it upon themselves to begin a social media campaign, “#JusticeForGlitter,” and started driving the misbegotten record up the iTunes charts. Sure, Carey could pretend to be surprised by the unusual surge—as The Fader notes, she tweeted approvingly of the action, employing a clever imitation of someone who didn’t expect this outcome (and this is how you can learn of the unsettling portmanteau of “family” and “lambs” by which the singer and her supporters refer to Carey’s fanbase):
Eventually, her potent necromancy reached its apex: As of now, the Glitter soundtrack is number one on the iTunes album chart, its sparkly and airbrushed cover a haunting reminder of the power of Mariah Carey, which will be stilled by no human force, not even that of previous critical and commercial scorn. Verily, she will indeed always be our baby, and we will like it and ask for more.