Denoting a departure from the amiability and tender loving care that most associate with AT&T, the friendly little telecommunications conglomerate is toughening up for 2017, hiring Mark Wahlberg to be the new, perpetually exasperated face of its advertising. The company announced that the actor will begin appearing in AT&T commercials this April in which he’ll remind customers that the service allows you take your entertainment along to whatever queer stuff you might be doing. What, you think it doesn’t? Do you need Mark Wahlberg to come over there and show you, Chief? Maybe take a nice, up-close look at your phone, so you can see how AT&T delivers all your live channels and DVR—right in your face.
The terms of the deal were not disclosed, though The New York Post reports that the contract could be valued at more than $10 million, a small price to pay for what AT&T’s chief marketing officer Brad Bentley believes is the perfect match of product and pitchman. “There’s no one more authentic to show how AT&T does entertainment your way, than Mark Wahlberg—a no-nonsense entertainer himself,” Bentley said in a statement, differentiating Wahlberg from all those other celebrities out here promoting phones, like Verizon’s Jamie Foxx and Ricky Gervais, or T-Mobile’s Justin Bieber, who won’t cut the shit and tell you straight out that you’re buying AT&T or you can get fucked. Even if Mark Wahlberg has to come down there and demonstrate to you personally that AT&T gives you the premium entertainment you want across all your screens, even if he has to bust a few of those screens across your head, then he will. And then he will ask for your forgiveness.
Wahlberg’s deal follows other multiyear contracts AT&T signed with Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift, and it similarly includes a plan to create original content for its mobile network, ensuring you never need go anywhere without Mark Wahlberg again. He’s going to be right there in your fucking pocket, smart-ass, and if you’ve got a problem with it, then you just call customer service and let’s see how that works out for you.