May 14, 2008

I'm
a 31-year-old man and my girlfriend is 28. We've been in a monogamous
relationship for four years. Recently, we've been doing the long-distance
thing, and we're going to be doing it for a while until I can move from Canada
to the United States. This is our problem: She brought up the idea of an open
relationship until I get down there. I said okay—trying to be GGG—and
24 hours later, called her back and reneged.

Dan,
I can't stand the idea of another guy with her. I can't. I trust her, and as
much as anyone in this situation can say this, I believe that she would only be
after the sex if she slept with another guy—but the idea of another guy
doing anything to her drives me nuts. I've read that open relationships just
don't work for some people. But I also believe in being able to improve
yourself. Is my jealousy a negative trait that I can get over?

Help
me be modern!

Confused
In Canada

Help
you be modern, CIC? But there's nothing pre-modern about your feelings, no area
where you require "improvement," nothing you need to get over.

Look,
kiddo, there's a difference between being a jealous asshole and being a
self-aware sex partner. Asking your girlfriend to remain monogamous until you
get your ass down to the U.S.? That's just stating a sexual preference, if I
may repurpose that phrase. A sincere desire to be your girlfriend's one and
only sex partner should not be confused with something as base as jealousy.
Jealousy is not trusting your girlfriend when she's out of your sight; it's
flipping out when other men notice her; it's making furious and baseless
accusations of cheating. Jealousy is controlling/manipulative/abusive behavior
masquerading as insecurity. Jealousy is a poison. And you're not jealous, just
monogamous.

Open
relationships are great—ahem—but
they're not for everyone. Some folks aren't built to share a sex partner, don't
want to share, and consequently shouldn't share. We're talking sex partners
here, CIC, not large pizzas or pot stashes—a reluctance to share is not
evidence of a character flaw. It's an alternate lifestyle choice, CIC, one that
I don't fully understand, but do fully support.

My
boyfriend has recently confessed an interest in gaining weight and has asked me
to explore this kink with him. He wants me to feed him during sex, and
generally encourage him to gain weight. I love the man too much to care if he
gains a little weight, but I don't think he's interested in gaining just a
little. As much as I would love to indulge his kink, I also don't want him to
bite the dust at age 40 from some obesity-related disease. Before I turn down
his request, I wanted to ask you if you might have any ideas as to how this
kink could be played out in a way that keeps us both happy and healthy. Thanks.

Don't
Want To Kill Husband Material

Feed
him carrots.

I
am a 25-year-old straight woman who recently got out of a monogamous
relationship with a man with herpes. He developed symptoms for the first time a
year into our relationship and I believed him when he said he hadn't cheated on
me. Presumably it had been lying dormant or his first outbreak was so small he
didn't notice. Either way, it was quite obviously an unpleasant situation, but
we handled it pretty well, I think.

Unfortunately,
that relationship has now ended and I find myself not knowing how to deal with
the thought of future partners. I've never had any symptoms and we were pretty
careful (condom use, no sex during his outbreak) once we discovered the issue,
but we had been having unprotected sex for about a year before the outbreak,
and I know that condoms are not 100 percent effective anyway. So here's the
issue: Do I tell future partners in advance that I've been exposed and risk
scaring them off over a disease I don't seem to have? I have been having
nightmares about having terrible outbreaks and about spreading the infection,
but I don't know if that's an overactive guilt complex or what.

I
really have no idea how to handle this situation. I want to be responsible, but
also not cause myself a huge amount of extra stress and possibly heartbreak.
Help please? I'm tired of crying all the time.

So
Sad Always

First,
SSA, you might want to get tested—you do know you can get tested for
herpes, right?—and find out, for sure, if you even have herpes. For info
about tests and where to get 'em, go to plannedparenthood.org.

If
you do have herpes, SSA, I would encourage you to be open about it—all of
it, SSA. Not just your exposure and the fact that you haven't had a single
outbreak, but also the odds that the person with whom you're sharing this info
has herpes himself. One out of every four adults has herpes, and most of
us—because we've never had an outbreak or didn't notice the one mild
outbreak we may have had—aren't even aware we've got it.

But
here's the best reason to disclose, SSA: for your own peace of mind. You're
going to want to make this a non-issue as you head into a new relationship, and
the only way to accomplish that is through disclosure. If you don't disclose,
you're not going to enjoy your new relationship, because you're going to be
stressing out the whole time about whether or when your new partner is going to
have an outbreak.

Bottom
line, SSA? You don't want to date guys who are hysterics about herpes—you
don't need that kind of stress, either—and, averages being what they are,
sooner or later you'll find yourself having the talk with a cool guy who
already knows he's been exposed.

I've
been married for eight years to, and have two kids by, my wife—she thinks
I'm a great guy. But she has a tremendously low sex drive (once a month is good
for her) and mine is fairly high (three times a day would be perfect). At the
end of the proverbial day, though, I used my wife's low sex drive as an excuse
for fucking around.

This
isn't a sex question, but a relationship question: I finally had that moment of
clarity that made me realize what a tool I am, and how I was jeopardizing a
great family life for some extra pussy (or man-pussy, depending on the hookup).
I decided I was done and I've stuck by that decision. Problem is, the last
woman I slept with e-mails me a few weeks ago and tells me she's pregnant.

I
need to tell my wife, obviously. Is there any way to tell her this without
completely losing her?

Dumb
Tool

I
don't have any magic words for you, DT, as there's just no way to say, "Honey,
I knocked someone else up" without at least risking the end of your marriage.
Drop the bomb, get your asses into couples counseling, try to stay together for
your kids' sakes, and when the new kid arrives, get a paternity test—and
a vasectomy too, DT, just in case you're ever tempted to stray again.

And
please don't call ever call it "man-pussy," DT, unless you're trying to wreck
my love life, too.

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