Michael Douglas says oral sex is the cause of—and solution to—all his cancer problems

While many may have assumed that Michael Douglas’ battle with throat cancer was likely caused by his years of smoking and drinking, or that they wouldn’t spend Monday morning reading an interview where Michael Douglas says “cunnilingus” twice, they were wrong on both counts. In a “surprisingly candid” talk with The Guardian, Douglas was asked whether he regretted his years of enjoying the rich, mellow taste of cigarettes and alcohol, given that they’re considered to be the leading causes of his disease. “No, because without wanting to get too specific,” Douglas replied, before getting very specific, “this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus." Douglas did allow that his condition may have also been compounded by the stress of having his son, Cameron Douglas, jailed on drug charges. But mostly, it was the cunnilingus. “But yeah, it's a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer,” Douglas said, adding, “And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it."

Surprisingly, some doctors remain skeptical about Douglas’ diagnosis that oral sex caused his cancer, and in particular his suggestion that it’s also the cure, presumably because they haven’t been intimate with Catherine Zeta-Jones. The Guardian spoke with Mahesh Kumar, a head and neck surgeon in London, who confirmed that HPV is a factor in many cases of oral cancers, but expressed doubt that it was the sole cause in Douglas’ case. Kumar also dismissed the curative properties of cunnilingus as an old-wives'-who-want-more-cunnilingus tale, saying, “Maybe he thinks that more exposure to the virus will boost his immune system. But medically, that just doesn't make sense.” Still, isn’t this so often the case with the medical establishment—prescribing expensive, debilitating courses of chemotherapy and radiation, when homeopathic remedies like lots and lots of cunnilingus are every bit as effective?