Remember taking the purity test in 8th grade, and skipping over the first 10 questions or so because they were so uninteresting–"Have you ever looked at a member of the opposite sex?" "Have you ever held hands?" etc.? Well, if you took those questions, added another coat of boredom to them, and combined them with a lie detector and at least 30 minutes worth of "dramatic" pauses, you would have a pretty close approximation of Fox's Moment Of Truth, a new game show that dares to be both extremely sleazy and incredibly dull at the same time.
Oh my God! That guy's totally wearing a toupee! Can you believe he had to admit it in front of his boss, and his girlfriend, and some other guy in his life who undoubtedly already knows? How embarrassing!
Pretty gripping stuff, right? Who would have thought that reaching the disgusting, gaping void at the bottom of our culture would be so boring?
And that was actually one of the more interesting questions from last night's episode. The contestant before him put America to sleep by answering such non-titillating questions as: "Have you ever admired yourself in the mirror after taking a shower?" and "Have you ever looked at other men in the shower at the gym?" (He had done both things! Can you believe it? Turns out he's human…so humiliating.)
Most of the other questions were either from the vanilla end of the purity test, or so buried beneath conditional phrases as to be rendered completely meaningless, like, "If your wife developed a flabby stomach, would you then recommend to her she get liposuction?" (The contestant answered "Yes," but actually the correct answer was, "Who cares?"). The hypothetical and/or conditional questions were the most ridiculous because a.) How can anyone, even a lie detector, know if you're lying about something that hasn't happened or may never happen? and b.) The thing you're asking about hasn't happened or may never happen so, really, who cares?
Still, Fox obviously needs help coming up with some more interesting hypothetical questions to ask in between interminable dramatic pauses. Here are a few:
1. If you had been alive during the Civil War, and you were a Union sympathizer who owned a modest home in the deep south, and one night a runaway slave knocked on your door looking for refuge, would you have given him shelter?
2. Would you divorce your wife and marry your beloved dog, if for some magical reason your dog suddenly became human?
3. It's 1750 and your youngest child has consumption. Would you risk giving her Belladonna, the only known cure at the time, despite its deadly properties?
4. If you knew you wouldn't get caught, and a time machine was available, would you go back in time and secure the Beatles' catalogue for your own personal gain, despite the whole "Butterfly effect" thing?
5. You wake up next to your spouse and discover that he/she is now the reincarnation of Fred Gwynne. Do you tell him/her/it?
6. Let's say that Penny Marshall is the only thing standing between you and lasting happiness. Would you kill Penny Marshall?
7. If you were wearing x-ray glasses, and your stepbrother walked into the room and directly into your line of vision, would you avert your eyes?
8. You have the chance to destroy Cupid and claim his quiver of powerful love-arrows for yourself. Do you take it, even though your wife adores Cupid?