The Literary Review’s annual Bad Sex In Fiction award is a longstanding tradition in the world of poorly described coitus, much anticipated by connoisseurs of improbable orgasms and quasi-criminal overuse of the words “turgid,” “tumescent,” and “shaft.” Every year, the magazine’s editors seek out the worst descriptions of on-page boffing in non-pornographic works, feting overused simile and celebrating winking reference to the beast with two backs. 2015 being no different than any other year, the Literary Review has announced its next honoree, inducting storied songwriter and recent novelist Morrissey into the Bad Sex Hall Of Fame.
The former Smiths frontman earned the distinction with his debut novel, List Of The Lost, which debuted in the U.K. earlier this year. Centering—really—on a “cursed relay race team,” the book apparently takes at least one detour into the world of enthusiastically narrated intercourse, complete with the phrase “bulbous salutation,” a pair of words which you have now read in connection with a penis that Morrissey once made up, and which you will now never be able to truly escape. You can read the entirety of the prize-winning tryst below, hopefully reassuring U.K. readers (including those living in the country’s famous “otherwise central zone”) that Moz’s recent swearing off of British touring might not be such a bad thing, after all:
Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.