Girls, girls, girls, gather ’round! It will no longer be S.O.S. (Same Ol’ Situation) at your local sex shop, for reasons that will absolutely thrill hard rockers who want to have sex in the year 1986. The Daily Dot reports ’80s headbangers and Wet N’ Wild makeup enthusiasts Mötley Crüe are unveiling a line of sex toys, produced in conjunction with adult entertainment company Lovehoney. In unrelated news, The A.V. Club isn’t feeling so hot, and may need to think about literally anything else for the next hour or so.
Lovehoney is touting the products as “eight powerful mini and midi-sized vibrators, emblazoned with the band’s iconic typography and distinctive artwork.” It’s the kind of singular imagery you might find emblazoned on your hesher buddy Tim’s ancient Ford Transit van—you know, the one sitting in the 7-11 parking lot all last weekend, while Tim was getting high with his nephew upstate. It’s appropriate design work for these sex toys, because a van in a 7-11 parking lot was also the last place anyone had sex to the music of Mötley Crüe.
Right now the vibrators are available for pre-order, with the final products shipping in September. Fans are encouraged to stock up now, because this is but another momentary diversion en route to inevitable death, and we should all find something in this world that makes us happy. After all, if bassist Nikki Sixx managed to successfully come back from a heart attack by having his dealer administer CPR with a baseball bat, then surely aficionados of the Crüe’s music can put these devices to use. Non-fans, by contrast, will likely find a more cranially located use for a baseball bat after envisioning the band members putting these things to use. And really, there are far more horrifying sex-related stories with this band, like how the members used to stick their dicks in breakfast burritos after a night of sex with random women, so their girlfriends couldn’t detect the smell of vagina on them. Now that we’ve planted that image in your head, look at the above picture again. Enjoy your weekend.