Among the many proposed initiatives once thought to invalidate him for the office of president, Donald Trump has floated the idea of a Muslim registry multiple times, as well as called for a ban on Muslims entering the United States until the government “can figure out what the hell is going on.” Now that he is going to be president, the feasibility of these initiatives has moved to the “logistical” phase. His recently appointed national security advisor believes Islam is a political ideology, rather than a religion, and Trump’s chief of staff—the “normalizer in chief” Reince Priebus—has said that while the new administration is not actively planning such a registry, he’s “not going to rule out anything.”
In anticipation of the existence of a Muslim registry, however, one brave citizen has created a National Registry Of White Males, operating under the logical assumption that if the Trump team is so afraid of Muslims that they would like to create a national registry, they must be truly terrified of white men who, according to the registry, commit 57 percent of reported rapes and 64 percent of mass shootings, as well as comprise 45 percent of all serial killers. Thus, a New Yorker named Candace Thompson has created a tool to collect such information as the offending white man’s email address, name, and socioeconomic status. It also asks the problematic white man to answer true/false statements about his belief in the equality of all people, plus an open-text field for listing “any and all reasons you feel you specifically are NOT a threat to the security of American citizens.” The form is transparent that this field may or may not be read.
While this everyday hero’s expression of patriotic fealty may have ended with the helpful creation of the National Registry Of White Males, she has saved the incoming administration even more time by going ahead and registering them—Trump, as well as Mike Pence, Steve Bannon, and Jeff Sessions. You can read her hopeful emails to the team notifying them of their successful registry here, which include earnest congratulations on their new appointments as well as an earnest desire that an anvil fall on Mike Pence’s head. Each of us, in our own way, could aspire to such civic-mindedness.
Thompson also notes on Facebook that the registry has already registered some 5,500 potentially dangerous white males—though a surprising number of them are named “Hugh Mungus.” Fortunately, the Mungus boys are now safely documented alongside such registrants as Adolf Hitler, Nemo Fuccboi, and a white male named IamwhitemalescumbagLOL. Other forward-thinking white men can inform the incoming administration of their white maleness here.