While Will Smith’s “process” has been privately cited as the reason for the many delays on Men In Black III, the actor and future progenitor of the Smith Dynasty is also drawing fire for a larger and far more tactile obstacle—specifically his big-ass trailer, which is currently blotting out the sky in Manhattan, royally pissing off local residents with both its eyesore enormity and the constant stench of the gas required to keep it humming. Of course, the old “they’re just jealous” line seems more apropos than normal in this instance, considering that the specially designed trailer—nicknamed "The Heat," which seems lacking without an exclamation point, so we’ll add one: The Heat!—takes up about 1,150 square feet of temporary real estate, which is way more than your average two-bed/two-bath apartment in New York.
The Heat! is also much, much nicer, boasting two stories with marble floors, a large bedroom, an all-granite bathroom, separate offices for his assistants and personal writing staff (with room enough for 30 people to get together and rewrite Smith’s dialogue to his liking), a makeup and wardrobe space, an upstairs lounge with a full bar, and “a full-service kitchen with arched windows, and matched-grain Italian cherrywood cabinetry”—Italian cherrywood cabinetry being, of course, the preferred cabinetry for eliciting a blockbuster performance.
And when Smith is done with a solid day of shooting, and he isn’t busy working out in his separate, 55-foot, full gym trailer—or ready to retire to the nearby five-bedroom apartment he’s also renting, where he’s able to enjoy both a pool and, according to his broker, doesn’t have to “share an elevator with normal people”—he can kick back in The Heat!’s screening room, featuring a 100-inch roll-down movie screen, plus a 50-inch plasma TV, separate 37-inch plasma TVs that “pop up from cabinets,” and the trailer’s very own satellite uplink to serve them all. What, he doesn’t also have his own dedicated Will Smith satellite? Maybe you’ll get there someday, dude.