Next crop of famous people chosen to pretend to care about non-famous people on American Idol

The always-thrilling competition to see which celebrities will survive elimination to be obscenely overcompensated for expressing platitudes to one of the half-dozen herds of amateur singers vying on television has at least reached its conclusion. America voted, and American Idol is still a show—a show whose next season will feature Jennifer Lopez, Harry Connick Jr., and Keith Urban in the judges’ chairs, and the deposed Randy Jackson in the “mentor” chair, which is mostly just an honorary title. It’s really more of a stool. “Hooo lawd, crispy fried frog’s legs,” Connick will say some variation on, by way of reminder that he’s from New Orleans, all while Jennifer Lopez mops her human being tears with Keith Urban’s flaxen locks, and some sort of decision nominally related to music is made.