Ninjas transcend time and space in this year’s Gathering Of The Juggalos infomercial
Time travel, how does it work?
That’s a question that won’t be answered by watching the infomercial for the 2015 Gathering Of The Juggalos, which will be held again this year in the tiny town of Thornville, Ohio from July 22-25. (According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the population of Thornville was 992 people in 2013, presenting the terrifying fact that the town will be majority Juggalo during the Gathering.) That’s because the time machine invented by the Juggalo scientists who star in the infomercial—and who have somehow kept the culture alive into the year 3092—runs on a “clitoris inverter” and an “anal air pump resonator.” In other words, it’s a motherfucking miracle.
As usual, the actors in this zero-budget sci-fi extravaganza all seem to have graduated from the Vince McMahon Academy Of Dramatic Arts, particularly the beefy police commander who screams “Bollocks!” without a trace of a British accent. But, in a charming twist, the sci-fi elements of this year’s infomercial have a bit of an MST3K vibe, so that you wouldn’t be surprised to see Pearl and Professor Bobo come strolling into the frame to scowl at dialogue like, “Can you show us some of the nocturnal ninjas at the Gathering performing to give these pervs something to look at?”
Our Juggalo pals’ adventures through time—they land first in the Jurassic Age, then in the ’20s, where they are menaced by old-timey gangsters with machine guns—are intercut with music-video clips from festival acts. ICP headlines, of course, followed by Rittz, Dark Lotus, Mushroomhead, Blaze Ya Dead Homie, Kottonmouth Kings, Twistid, Waka Flocka Flame, Puddle of Mudd, Twista, and other hip-hop, horrorcore, and rap-metal acts who have been stuck in the late ’90s so long, they might as well keep going until the late ’90s are cool again. (It can’t be long now.)
Meanwhile, a ticker running across the bottom of the screen promises such returning attractions as the Peep This Shit Stage, as well as diversions like Busey’s Tent Of Scantily Clad Beauties and a board game tournament, for the Juggalo who prefers hot tea and a nap to Faygo and wet T-shirt contests. In the comedy tent, sadly it looks like the Gathering lost Gilbert Gottfried this year, but they do have Godfrey, which is close enough.