November 12, 2008
I
have to say I'm disappointed.
Proposition
8 passed in California, as did anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida and
Arizona. Decency and compassion suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to
hear a few words from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from
work to go and protest the Mormon Church. Maybe you had your column written
already, but couldn't you have pulled an all-nighter in order to write
something more relevant?
A
Loyal Reader
Sorry,
ALR, but due to the vagaries of the dead-tree media, I file these columns roughly
a week in advance, and it went to press on Tuesday morning, before any election
returns were in. (Please note: At my house, "filing a column" doubles as a
euphemism for taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)
But
here's my election-night reax, a week late, for what it's worth: I voted for
Obama, gave money to Obama, and cried when CNN called it for Obama. But the
approval of the Mormon-bankrolled anti-gay-marriage amendment in California
quickly snuffed my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments in
Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in
California—particularly those who voted for Obama, against the rights of same-sex couples, and for the rights of farm animals—came
close to ruining election night for me.
But
let's look on the bright side of the anti-gay-marriage amendments, shall we?
The openly Republican governor of Florida, Charlie Crist—who got engaged
to a real live girl when he was in the running to be McCain's VP—won't
have to marry a real live girl now. Because it's illegal for gays to get
married now in Florida—right, Charlie? And even in California there's a
little good news: Voters approved this year's anti-gay-marriage amendment by
much smaller margins (52 to 48) than they approved an anti-gay-marriage law back
in 2000 (61 to 38). So… uh… we're winning, even as we're losing.
Or
something.
But
now, to honor Barack Obama's historic victory, I will answer questions that
were e-mailed by readers on election night. While you were obsessing about
election returns, there were people out there writing to me about…
I
am a completely straight guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night,
she was giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at
first, but in a little time I began to like it. I found it felt so good. Now my
girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first I said, "Yes!" But
now, the more I think about it, I am starting to think it may be gay. My
question: Is there something gay about using a butt plug?
Guy
With Anal Interests
I've
dedicated my life to reassuring panicky straight boys that a little anal
stimulation won't make 'em gay. My oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are
doing it during sex—whatever it is, whatever it looks like—it's
straight sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to
turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common
straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.
But
no more. From now on I intend to sow gay panic when and where I can. Maybe
straight men, who voted in overwhelming numbers for the various anti-gay shit
on their ballots, won't be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights
if they're worried that one false move—or one finger up the
butt—can turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the
butt can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you gay, doing it doggy style
can make you gay, playing with your nipples can make you gay, fucking a woman
in the ass can make you gay, wiping from front-to-back can make you gay,
standing up to pee can make you gay, and watching dudes hump dudes on
ESPN—Ultimate Fighting Championship—for sure makes you gay.
I
hope you can help. My boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan next week, and I
want to surprise him with anal. I can't find anything online about preparing
for it. I don't want to be messy. It's always clean in porn videos. Please
advise.
Desperate
Careful
there, Desperate, I'd hate to see your boyfriend turn gay. But if you want to
risk it, get your hands on a copy of Tristan Taormino's The Ultimate Guide
To Anal Sex For Women. But
don't blame me if he wants to gay marry you afterward.
I'm
a 21-year-old bi guy, and I was recently hanging out at my university's Queer
Collective when the issue of the "F" word came up. I argued that it was okay to
use the word so long as it's not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought
that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the "N" word to describe black
people. What do I do, Dan? Is the "F" word off limits?
Flabbergasted
About Glossary
The
"F" word should only be used to describe voters in California, Florida, and
Arizona who cast ballots for Obama and their state's anti-gay-marriage amendments.
We
are talking about the word "fuckers," right?
I
have a question of a more medical nature for you. My husband and I have been
married four months, both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or
four times a week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for
me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on top is
unbearable. My husband is aware, and sensitive, to this issue. He makes sure
I'm relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask. Will it get any
better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.
Painful
Intercourse Needs To Stop
Here's
an idea that might help, PINTS: Have more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get
some oral-sex sessions into the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation
sessions; in other words, sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then
go see a doc to make sure there isn't a medical issue here. If there isn't,
slowly work vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new
positions and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as
stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you can
transition to when vaginal intercourse isn't working for you.
I'm
a straight white boy of 25 who is very excited about Obama's victory and the
landslide in Congress. Proposition 8 is still undecided, though, while they
count votes. I wanted you to know that I'm rooting for you, my uncle, his
partner—his husband, actually, as of last week—and every gay man
and woman in California.
Stephen
Thanks
for the note, Stephen, but Proposition 8 was decided by the time I got it. My
condolences to your uncle and his husband.
Download
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weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.