November 26, 2008
I am a 28-year-old woman who has been
with my boyfriend for two years. I would call it a stable, fulfilling, and
kinky relationship. I consider myself GGG, and every time my boyfriend has
brought up a kink or variation, I've been willing to try it. Some things became
a permanent part in our play, others have gone into the "tried that, didn't
like it" pile without any problems.
Recently, though, there has been a
problem.
Eight years ago, I was raped. I have had
counseling, but I am still sometimes troubled by nightmares and flashbacks. My
boyfriend knows this. Lately, though, he has expressed a desire to explore rape
scenarios. His ideal setup would be to obtain my consent in advance, then,
sometime when the mood struck him, he would "attack" and take me, and I
couldn't say no or use a safe word. Once the "rape" started, he could do
whatever he wanted, and I would not be able to stop it.
I don't think I can do this, not without
sending me into flashbacks. I told him that, and as this is the only time I
have flat-out refused to even try one of his ideas, I hoped that would be the
end of it. It hasn't been. He has been pressing it more and more, and there
have been times when I've had to leave the apartment, I've felt so threatened.
I've told him that if he keeps pressuring me like this, I will end the
relationship. He's told me that by threatening to leave him, I'm manipulating
him, and that I have no regard for his needs. But I just can't let him rape me,
even in play. Am I really being out of line for not giving in to him on this
issue and telling him that continued pressure for this would end our
relationship?
Needs
Her Boundaries
Dump the motherfucker already.
Someone who has experienced a shattering
sexual trauma—rape, abuse, a world-class betrayal—has to make a
good-faith effort to put the pieces back together again before entering into a
new sexual and/or romantic relationship. We all have a right to expect
emotional support from our partners, but our partners have a right to expect
that we will be able to meet their reasonable sexual needs.
You did all the right things after you were
raped, NHB. You got counseling, you got yourself together, and you entered this
new relationship ready to be sexual and more than capable of meeting your
partner's reasonable sexual needs. You are, however, suffering from some common
aftereffects of sexual trauma—nightmares, flashbacks—that you do
not have to apologize for and that he has to be considerate of.
And considering your history—and
considering that your boyfriend knew about your history going into this
relationship—ruling out rape play is perfectly reasonable on your part,
and should have been expected on his. Had this conflict ended with your
refusal—even if it elicited a little sulking and douchebaggery on your
boyfriend's part—I wouldn't be telling you to DTMFA. This rises to the
level of DTMFA for two reasons.
First, no safe word? Unreasonable. No way
for you to call a stop to it? What if he decides to rape you when you have the
flu? Or when your parents are in the next room? What if your fucking appendix
bursts in the middle of this "scene"? While some rape victims—excuse me:
survivors—develop rape fantasies, those fantasies are paradoxically about
control; the "victim" in a fantasy rape scenario gets to pick her "rapist,"
decides the hour and circumstances, and can call a halt to it at any time. A
rape role-play scenario you can't stop when you decide you're done isn't just a
rape role-play scenario. It's potentially rape. Just say no.
Second, the pressure. Stitch together all
the red flags in China and you won't have one as large the one your boyfriend
has raised. He's pressuring you to consent to sex that he knows is highly
likely to leave you feeling traumatized. His unwillingness to drop this, NHB,
suggests a desire on his part to traumatize you for real, not for pretend. And
if you're already leaving the house because you feel unsafe, I would suggest
that he's already succeeded in traumatizing you.
You thought this was "a stable, fulfilling,
and kinky relationship," NHB. You were mistaken. DTMFA.
I'm
a 17-year-old high-school student, male, into foot worship and humiliation. I'm
having problems separating my desire to be humiliated sexually from a
willingness to be humiliated socially. A girl is using me as her "fallback." I
like "Nancy" a lot more than she likes me. I was in a relationship with another
girl, and that's when Nancy told me she loved me. So I broke up with my
girlfriend, but now Nancy is unwilling to date me. I think she just enjoys
having control over me. Nancy is also the only girl I get to indulge my foot fantasies
with. The problem is, this gives me the thrill of humiliation, but it means I'm
not getting off, yet I'm too turned on to help myself.
Anonymous
Foot Slave
You've got a pretty good handle on what's
going on here: Nancy doesn't want you for a boyfriend, but she enjoys the
control she has over you. You're not even her fallback guy, AFS. You're merely
living, breathing, foot-worshiping proof that she's sexually attractive, and by
putting up with her shit, you give her a palpable sense of how powerful that is
and she is.
So knowing that, what the hell do you do?
Seeing as you get to indulge your foot
fantasies with Nancy, something you weren't able to do with your previous
girlfriend(s), I think you should keep seeing Nancy. But resolve to see her
differently. She's using you, right? Use her right back: Get your foot
fantasies indulged, enjoy the thrill of being humiliated, then go home and beat
off. But remind yourself, after you've come, that she's not your girlfriend and
never will be. And resolve to go to college far, far away from this Nancy
person, and never speak to her again.
My
husband and I were married in a beautiful ceremony a few weeks ago. He's a
transman, and while neither of us hides in any closets, it hadn't occurred to
us to specifically tell my parents that he's trans—he lives his life as
the man that he is. One of my mother's sisters, however, loves starting drama.
She did a bit of online digging and found out that he's trans, and she started
informing family members. Now we're facing family holidays with the knowledge
that she may make a scene. How do we deal with this situation? There's simply
not much chance that we can get my parents alone to discuss it before the
holidays.
Female
Takes Male
Your
aunt can use your husband's status as a transman as a club—a
beat-you-with club, not a golf-and-cocktails club—only as long as you're
not being fully truthful about it, which is sometimes referred to as being
"closeted." Your only choice now is to get out in front of this, FTM. Tell your
parents, tell your extended family—tell them now (perhaps in a letter),
tell them why you didn't tell them then (not relevant, none of their business),
and tell them why you're telling them now (Aunt So-And-So is a ripe, royal
cunt).
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