November 5, 2008
I'm a 32-year-old
female engaged to a 34-year-old man.
Some months ago, when
we were both drunk, he "got up the nerve" to show me some bestiality porn and
tell me how much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He confessed that
he was absolutely terrified that I would leave him over this, but said he
couldn't hide it anymore. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn't say
much. We continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can't say turned me off,
but mainly because it turned him on so much.
Since then, he has
brought up this subject when he's inebriated. I've told him that as long as
this fetish remains a fantasy, I won't make an issue of it. I also told him
that when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the
animal involved. He argued what I'm sure a lot of people into bestiality
believe: It isn't cruelty or abuse if it's a male dog doing what comes
instinctively to that dog. He also told me that he once had a girlfriend who
allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her as a participant in
full-on sex with the animal. At that point I changed the subject and we had
good old vanilla sex with no more talk of dogs, but he was really turned on,
much more so than most times we have sex with no talk of bestiality. I love
this man a lot, and in every other way our lives are pretty wonderful. Perhaps
he drinks a bit much, but we have both cut back on drinking in the past
month—this is a commitment we have made to each other.
The questions I have
are these: Is just the fact that he is/we are watching this kind of porn animal
abuse? Can this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out
again, especially since he has had it before?
I know that bestiality
is one of the fetishes you disapprove of, Dan, but I have no one else to ask
about this.
Dog Day Shafternoon
Yes, DDS, I disapprove of
bestiality—because, well, ick. And that, as anonymous dog-fuckers have pointed
out to me repeatedly over the years, is the same logic homophobes use to
justify their bigotry. But when I go on the record about bestiality—and
it's always con—I do go out of my way to throw the animal lovers a bone:
If I were a sheep, I'd certainly rather be screwed than stewed.
But still. Ick.
Seeing as I'm biased against
bestiality—particularly dog-fuckery, as I don't understand how people
even keep dogs as pets—I'm going to recuse myself for a few paragraphs.
"In most cases the animal is willing and able,"
says Martin Weinberg, a professor in the Department of Sociology at Indiana
University who has studied zoophilia. "It is difficult and dangerous to try and
force an animal to do something it doesn't want to do," adds Weinberg.
"However, bestiality is against the law in many states, even though I do not
see it as abuse unless the animal is physically forced."
And then Dr. Weinberg makes an important point,
one that your fiancé needs to take to heart, one that you might wanna have
tattooed backward on his forehead the next time he blacks out: "But if the
girlfriend isn't interested in watching it (or in actually participating in the
act), the man should be informed that trying to force her into doing so is
(to me) partner abuse."
(Emphasis added.)
Catch that? While your boyfriend's interests may
not qualify as animal abuse—and many would debate that
point—hounding you about it endlessly does qualify as
girlfriend/fiancée/wife abuse.
"The man this woman is talking about, as far as we
know, has never had sex with animals," says Dr. Hani Miletski, author of Understanding
Bestiality & Zoophilia. "He just likes to watch, which is very common. There are
numerous sites online that feature bestiality, and many curious people visit
them often. For some, it's just curiosity."
And for some it's so much more.
Will your boyfriend, in Dr. Miletski's opinion, be
able to let this fantasy remain a fantasy? Or will he seek it out again?
"It's always difficult to predict what the future
will bring," says Dr. Miletski, "but my guess is that he will always use the
idea of bestiality as a part, probably a major part, of his sexual fantasy. He
will probably try to get his current girlfriend to go along with the fantasy
and act it out… but if she doesn't feel comfortable with that, she should
continue to do and say what she has already done and said."
So what the hell do you do, DDS?
I know what I would do: If my partner could only
get it up while images of dogs fucking my ass danced in his head, that would be
a deal-breaker right there. But you're more compassionate or tolerant or
indulgent than I am, I guess, DDS, and you sound inclined to stay with this
guy. And when drunk, DDS, you sound like you might be tempted to give your
fiancé what he wants. ("I can't say [it] turned me off, but mainly because it
turned him on so much," "when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable.") So
here's how things are gonna play out if you stay with this dude: He's going to
bring this up again and again, and his commitment to cutting back on booze will
be undermined—perhaps fatally—by what booze allows him to do, i.e.,
lower his inhibitions enough to go there, and by what booze allows you to do,
i.e., contemplate fucking dogs with some level of comfort.
I'm not saying you shouldn't stay. But you gotta
know what you're signing up for: At the very least, you will be indulging him
in dog-on-girl—or dog-in-girl or dog-in-you—dirty talk on a
regular basis. And he will live in hope that, if you talk about this long
enough, if he gets drunk and begs you often enough and can manage to get you
drunk enough, you will, one day, go there.
Don't say you weren't warned.
I love my husband. But he won't eat it.
Absolutely won't lick me down there. I do everything for him! We've even
started ass play, with me sticking a finger in his ass while I blow him.
But I've gone without oral for 15 years! I've
explained to him that I can't come—not hard!—without it. He insists
that he never will go there and he has accused me of trying to make him do
something totally against his moral code. I'm distraught to the point of
wanting to cheat on him just to get some oral. What do I do?
Unlicky In Love
Cheat on him already, UIL.
And while you're online searching for a man who'll
go down on you—perhaps you can make an "eat-it-and-beat-it deal," i.e.,
oral and JO only, with one of the many married men out there whose wives won't
let them eat it?—I'm going to go online and Google "moral codes." I'm
curious about this mysterious moral code your husband cites, one that permits a
finger up the butt during a blowjob but forbids cunnilingus entirely. I know
it's not a Catholic thing—I was an altar boy—but maybe it's a
Mormon delusion, like magic underpants and coffeephobia and "Mitt Romney 2012."
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