October 1, 2008
I accidentally
discovered that my son-in-law is into BDSM sex as a "dominant." A few weeks
ago, he was holding one of my dog's leashes and tried to stop my dog (a
13-year-old, docile golden retriever) from running up to another dog by
violently yanking on the leash. My 65-pound dog was violently spun around with
a loud snap.
I reacted in a very
hostile manner. He defended his actions, and I started swearing at him. My
daughter told me I was overreacting, and they both left in a huff. Thinking
about this, I realized that I was thinking about my son-in-law inflicting pain
on my daughter in the same way he did to my dog. I can't stomach the thought of
seeing him again and decided that I had to explain my reasons to my daughter. I
said that I could not accept her husband getting pleasure from causing her
pain. She reacted with hostility, first telling me it was none of my business and
then denying he behaved in that manner. She said I was crazy.
I didn't tell my
daughter that I had snooped in their home and found his ligatures and spanking
porn. I told her that she should talk to someone about it and said that I would
not tell her mother. She eventually told her mother, and I was forced to
explain my reasoning and the source of my knowledge to my wife. I feel that
getting pleasure out of causing another person pain and humiliation is not an
acceptable form of behavior. Now my daughter and son-in-law are not speaking to
me. I don't ever want to see him again but would like to salvage my
relationship with my daughter. Any advice?
Distressed And Depressed
Apologize.
I am a 27-year-old female, single, with an
active dating and sex life. I find that I really enjoy sex while high, both for
its ability to help me lose my inhibitions and for the way it makes me feel
physically. The problem is that while marijuana works well as a social
lubricant, it leaves my mouth bone-dry—which is in no way conducive to
giving a good blowjob. Water barely works at all to solve this problem. How can
I continue to smoke pre-sex and still drum up enough saliva for a good blow?
Blowing Smoke
Your problem is very interesting, BS, but I
actually have more to say to DAD. Hold tight a minute.
Look, DAD, your daughter is right. What she and
her husband get up to in bed—or playroom or sex club or airport
restroom—isn't any of your fucking business. And while you may feel that
"causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of
behavior," someone who finds pain and humiliation erotic—someone like,
oh, your daughter—might come to a different conclusion.
Like the parents of the kinky gay kid whose
boyfriend wrote in a couple of weeks back, DAD, you snooped and consequently
learned some things about your kid that you didn't need to know. You learned
stuff that you, as a parent, have a right not to know. And guess what?
It's your own damn fault. Your only option now—after you apologize to
your daughter and your son-in-law—is to pretend that you don't know what
you damn well do know.
And, DAD, that's an awfully big leap you're making
from "my son-in-law accidentally hurt my dog" to "my son-in-law is
intentionally abusing my daughter." Not knowing how to pull a dog away from
another dog isn't proof that your SIL engages in intentionally cruel,
nonconsensual, dangerous BDSM sex. Okay, so he doesn't know from dogs. But you
can rest assured, DAD, that most people into BDSM are careful and considerate
and make sure their bottoms or subs are human, for starters, and enjoying the
ligatures and spankings just as much as they are because, you see, that's the
only way BDSM tops can keep bottoms and subs coming back for more.
While it's unfortunate that seeing your son-in-law
with a leash in his hand conjured up some rather upsetting mental
images—like, oh, your daughter being "snapped back" by a quick tug on a
leash—those mental images are, again, your own damn fault, DAD, and
you're going to have to take some responsibility for 'em.
But take comfort. Ligatures and spanking porn are
pretty softcore, as BDSM gear and interests go. Spend 10 minutes surfing around
mr-s-leather.com, medicaltoys.com, or christiandomesticdiscipline.com to get a
taste of how much more extreme your daughter and son-in-law's interests could
be. Then go sit down with your daughter and ask her to explain a bit about her
turn-ons to you, because you need some reassurance that she's not being abused
and that her sex life with the son-in-law, whatever form it takes, is mutually
pleasurable, consensual, and rewarding. And finally, promise her that you will
never, ever bring any of this up again, that you won't go snooping ever again,
and that you won't hold any of this against your son-in-law.
Okay, BS, your problem can be solved with a can of
Coke—or, better yet, Pepsi, which just donated $500,000 to Parents,
Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, all but daring the American Family
Association to launch a boycott. Trust me: You'll find it much easier to get
cock down your throat when stoned after you pour a little high-fructose corn
syrup down it.
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