October 8, 2008
I
feel ridiculous e-mailing you about this, but I figure that if anyone has seen
or heard of all manner of asshole behavior during sex, it would be you.
I'm
a 17-year-old girl, and I've only had one boyfriend—who was, at the time,
21 and, I thought, completely perfect. I'm glad it's over, and I learned my
lesson. The only thing that's still bothering me is the reason we broke up.
After promising that he would never hurt me, and reassuring me that he was
sexually experienced and SO passionate about contraception, I finally agreed to
have sex with him and lose my virginity. And in the middle of fucking me, he
removed the condom without a word! He was hoping I wouldn't notice! I did
notice—and I kicked his ass to the curb. He cried, he sent me stupid
gifts, and he still calls. But at least he didn't get me pregnant.
My
question is this: How upset should I be about this? Or is this something that
horny males do all the time? I'm not traumatized. I suppose I could nominate
him for "Crappy Boyfriend of the Year," but surely someone else's boyfriend has
done worse things and deserves the title. I really just don't know how to feel
about this.
Just Confused
How upset should you be?
Very.
Did you do the right thing?
Absofuckinlutely.
Hell, JC, you did precisely what I would have urged
you to do had I been in the room. Of course, the second-to-last thing a
straight girl needs in the room with her when she's losing her virginity to
some asshole straight boy is a gay man twice her age desperately trying to get
out. But if I had been there, JC,
and I realized what was going on, I would've stopped trying to break down your
locked bedroom door long enough to give your boyfriend—a.k.a. the last
thing you needed in the room that night—something to cry about for real.
You consented to intercourse with protection, and that asshole deceitfully initiated
unprotected intercourse. When a fucker removes a condom during
intercourse—gay or straight, vaginal or anal—it invalidates the
fuckee's consent to the fucking. (And what is sex without consent, class?) So
your "more experienced" boyfriend sexually assaulted you, JC, and placed you at risk of an unplanned
pregnancy—and for what? An ever-so-slightly enhanced orgasm for him?
What.
An.
Asshole.
This isn't something that decent guys do at all, JC,
much less "all the time." He's an abusive douchebag, and you're well rid of
him. Here's hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive steps to make sure the
condom stays securely on—I'd suggest staple-gunning the thing in place.
I'm
a 23-year-old bi male mostly attracted to women. I have a fetish for
cross-dressing, but only in private, as I live in a
town—Tucson—that's small enough that I might get recognized if I
went out "dressed." My problem is that I'm not having any luck finding a woman
interested in having a long-term relationship. I've been in a few serious
relationships with women in the last few years, and all have been GGG for every
kink I threw at them. But when I work up the nerve to float guy-on-guy stuff or
me wearing panties, I always get "Ewww, gross!" I've tried online options to no
avail. Where can I meet my dream girl who will watch me with a guy while I am
wearing a skirt?
Closet
Princess Seeking Princess
The
women you've dated were up for every kink you "threw at them," CPSP, until you
tossed out your actual kinks, the
ones you care about, the ones that make your dick rock hard, and then you got ewwwgrossed every time.
Hmm.
I'll
bet you're breezy, charming, and funny when the stakes are low and you're discussing
kinks that aren't your own. But when it comes time to share your kinks, CPSP, I
suspect you get nervous, sweaty, and tense. Because the stakes are much, much
greater.
Of
course, bisexuality and cross-dressing—as opposed to, say, a thing for
feet or high heels (on her)—are going to be higher hurdles for most
women. The former because it taps into thoroughly reasonable fears (what if
you're gay and not out yet? what health risks is she running if you're out
there sucking off other dudes?); the latter because for some women, seeing
their boyfriends engaged in what they perceive to be thoroughly unmasculine
activities—their asses panty-clad, their mouths
cock-stuffed—amounts to a deal-breaking turnoff.
But
there are women into your kinks, CPSP; it's just going to take more than one or
two internet searches to find one. And there are women out there who might be
willing to go there for you, if they love you enough, but you'll never know if
she's the one if you shut down after that first "Ewww, gross!"
I'm
a 21-year-old, good-looking, sexually active, single woman. I have never had a
boyfriend, but I have many guy friends who tell me that I'm great. Is it that
men don't want to date me, or is my lack of putting up with bullshit getting me
into trouble?
Alone Again Unnaturally
You
don't give me much to work with here, AAU. For instance, examples of the kind
of bullshit you're incapable of putting up with might help. Because you know
what? Some bullshit is intolerable, AAU, but there's no such thing as a bullshit-free
relationship. A long-term relationship is, at its core, two people struggling
to put up with each other's bullshit—day in, day out, year after
year—in exchange for things intangible (love) and things tangible (sex).
And no one is ever going to put up with your bullshit, kiddo, if you can't put
up with theirs.
I
saw your offer to respond to all e-mails from people who made at least a $25
donation to the fight against California's Proposition 8. I would like you to
consider expanding the offer to include donations to our campaign, also. As you
may know, Florida voters have been asked to approve a similar amendment here.
Amendment 2 is worse, actually, as it also bans civil unions AND domestic
partnerships. But we only need 40 percent of the vote to block it.
We're
no joke—we've raised about $4 million and our TV ads start this week. But
we need another $500,000 to push this over the top.
Derek Newton, Campaign Manager, www.sayno2.com
You're
in, Derek.
The
six biggest Savage Love donors to either www.noonprop8.com or www.sayno2.com
will see their letters in print, and everyone who makes a donation of at least
$25 to either group—send me your donation confirmation e-mail along with
your question—gets a personal reply from yours truly. The cutoff date for
eligible letters is October 16. And if my readers in Canada want to play along,
too, you're invited to send proof of a donation to someone, anyone, running
against Stephen Harper.
Listen
to a new Savage Lovecast (my
weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.