We all know that Oprah's Favorite Things™ are really just symptoms of clinical depression translated into a collection of ugly, useless, soft, expensive, or just plain dumb gifts. But what you may not know is that these Favorite Things™ are not actually Oprah's favorite things. Not even close. This is because Oprah's favorite thing in the world, the thing that she enjoys more than a pile of cashmere throws, or a truckload of Josh Groban CDs, or a refrigerator with a build in flatscreen TV, is to exploit people who no longer have faces. Seriously. She just can't get enough of it.
A few months back, Oprah spent half of her show talking to Connie Culp, the woman who, after surviving a vicious attack by her husband, was the first successful face transplant patient in the United States. Or, as Oprah so delicately put it, "Connie Culp, the woman whose husband literally shot off her face." Incidentally, this is Oprah's favorite phrase. Nearly every question she asked Connie Culp began, "When your husband shot off your face.." or "After your husband shot off your face.." It's just such a dynamic turn-of-phrase, right, Oprah?
But the strangest part about Connie Culp's appearance on Oprah wasn't that Oprah insisted upon saying "shot off your face" at every possible opportunity, that's just good sensationalist, exploitative televsion. No, the strangest part was that Connie Culp shared the Oprah bill with "The Only Living Mermaid Girl." Not only does this prove that Oprah is an enterprising carny (everyone knows it ain't a real sideshow unless you have a couple of freaks), but that you can have your face shot off by your husband, live for years in agony without a nose or discernable mouth, recieve a successful face transplant, and you still aren't worthy of a full hour of Oprah's time.
Oprah's unabiding love of exploiting people who no longer have faces continued yesterday when Oprah interviewed Charla Nash, the woman whose face was essentially ripped off by a chimpanzee. Of course, by "interviewed Charla Nash" I mean "literally took the veil off of Charla Nash's terribly disfigured face so we could all get a good look."