Our Candy Will Turn You Into A Jerk

Remember a few years back when Snuggle, that cuddly, fabric softener-shilling teddy bear turned into a jerk? There were a few commercials where his behavior suddenly became creepy: lots of eye rolling and smirking from his perch atop the dryer. It was a scary time for Snuggle, and for America. We, as a nation, had to ask oursleves, "What does it all mean? Has this sarcasm thing gone too far?" and "What's the point of fabric softener, anyway? Can't I just use a dryer sheet?"

Well, has anyone seen a Starburst, or Skittles, or Sour Patch Kids commercial lately? The trend in candy ads seems to be absurdism and extreme assholery. I don't know what it all means for America, but the commercials are very weird. And full of useful lessons.

Here are a few examples: Skittles "Long Beard" Commercial

(Lesson Learned: Really long beards are really, really useful.) Starburst "Friend" Commercial

(Lesson Learned: Starburst talks to you, and makes you act like a jerk. Robert might be the next David Berkowitz.) Sour Patch Kids "Pigtail" Commercial

(Lesson Learned: Sour Patch Kids will sneak into your bedroom and terrorize you. Also, they have creepy, sour eyes now.)