Paul Ryan announced today that he’ll soon be taking his ball of crumpled-up plans to fuck over poor people and going home, with the House Speaker making it clear that he no longer intends to seek another term in office. But while Ryan’s declaration has elicited any number of emotional reactions—elation, delight, schadenfreude, mirth—from the American people, there’s at least one group of Ryan’s old buddies who are still looking out for the man himself: Papa Roach.
Yes, the “Last Resort” nu rockers—whose lives last intersected with Ryan’s when they took a little extra time out of their days to dunk on him after a particularly notable (if sadly temporary) failure during the 2017 Obamacare battles—are asking the important question today: What about Paul? After all, how many job opportunities are there out there for a man whose only apparent marketable skills include jerking off to tax cuts, and looking like a Muppet who just found out that Jim Henson is dead?
Luckily, Papa Roach has a job offer ready to help Ryan get back on his feet and up by his bootstraps, offering him the position of the band’s new roadie.
No healthcare benefits, though. Hopefully he’ll be okay.