Paramount developing Justin Bieber biopic in 3D, so that you may feel his glory all around you

The phenomenology of Justin Bieber cannot be contained by pedestrian two dimensions, no matter how adeptly illustrated, so next February, Paramount will render his life story—with Bieber “playing himself” as well as performing in concert—in tactile 3D, so that you may touch and be touched by his inner light. Is it any coincidence that Of Bieber And Nothingness [Note: This is only our dream title—ed.] will arrive on Valentine’s Day weekend? No, because this is the weekend we ashen dust of the earth, the breath of life blown anew into our nostrils, learn to love again, hand-in-hand beneath the honeyed moonglow of the child who shall lead us unafraid into the mouth of the Beast of Tribulation. So it is written on Deadline, so shall it be done.

Director David Guggenheim, who previously chronicled the death of the oceans and the evaporation of the Arctic with his Al Gore documentary An Inconvenient Truth, will here tackle something far more apocalyptic. Take 2: Director David Guggenheim, who previously turned a slide show into the compelling Al Gore documentary An Inconvenient Truth, will here try to give even flatter material some semblance of dimension. Take 3: And lo the sky did crack, and a million trumpets did sound, and the sun became blotted out, as though covered by a terrible swoop of flaxen bangs. And a voice as tremulous and innocent as the bleat of a sacrificial lamb did say, “I am Justin Bieber, and in this year of thy reckoning, thou shalt truly know me and all the fun things I like to do when I’m not on stage.”