It's no secret that Hollywood is trying to co-opt my childhood (and probably yours, if they haven't already) through a series of upcoming films based on old, awful TV shows and videos I used to watch instead of going outside: like He-Man: Master Of The Universe directed by John Woo (as it should be), Michael Bay's transforming-free version of Transformers, and of course there's this rumor about a remake of slumber party favorite Grease 2 (because sooo much more could be done with that bowling scene).
But while the thought processes behind these big-screen adaptations of little screen crapfests are puzzling, the one that really bugs me is the Tom-Hanks-produced, Dave-Eggers-penned, Spike-Jonze-directed movie version of everyone's favorite kid's book, Where The Wild Things Are.
I mean, why? And also, how? What's the point of a movie based on what is, essentially, a picture book? How can 300 words be stretched (even with Dave Eggers doing the pulling) to fill a two hour movie? You could inject every word with 10 CGI monsters, and it would still fall short.
But if my favorite childhood picture books are what Hollywood wants, they're what Hollywood is going to get. Here's a list of picture books that hopefully one day, with the help of the right director, will make mediocre big-screen adaptations:
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
A caterpillar eats his way through apples, strawberries, leaves, and anything else he happens upon–leaving actual holes in the film! Michel Gondry could do a beautiful job with this one.
The Biggest Sandwich Ever
This was my favorite book growing up because it involved my two favorite things: Leprechaun authority figures, and tiny people making giant food. Sean Astin could star.
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs
Evidently, growing up I just liked looking at pictures of food. Anyway, Tim Burton is probably already planning a big screen version of this.
Any other suggestions?