On a day that saw the New York Stock Exchange and one of the nation’s largest airlines felled by computer glitches, the frozen plains of Alaska burst into flames, thousands of birds mysteriously vanish from the Florida coastline, and sharks literally falling from the sky, another seeming harbinger of America’s imminent collapse reared its tiny head in an unassuming California bakery. Ariana Grande, the ironically pequeno pop singer created exclusively for Claire’s Accessories, was discovered to have licked a tray of donuts—America’s pastry—without paying for them with money—America’s money—before spitefully declaring, “I hate Americans. I hate America.” It was the perfect storm of environmental hazard, economic collapse, and celebrity treason, broadcast for all to see on TMZ, America’s TMZ.
In the video, Grande is seen approaching a tray of donuts left in the open air at Lake Elsinore’s Wolfee Donuts, licking them with her forked, seditious tongue, then daring her boyfriend to do the same. After she slobbers on yet another innocent tray, a shop staffer then approaches her with a pan of large, freshly baked, as-yet-unlicked pastries that Grande regards with utter disdain. “What the fuck is this?” Grande petitions the room and God. “I hate Americans. I hate America.” The nation’s centuries of proud self-regard is similarly licked.
Since that video’s release, Grande has faced serious backlash for her seditious words and disregard for donut shop decorum, sparking the trending topic “#DoughnutGate” and a general call for Grande to make like a donut and roll. But her in response, Grande has explained her seemingly unpatriotic behavior as a fierce protest against the nation’s obesity crisis—protest being the highest act of patriotism there is. Says the Patrick Henry of donuts:
True, some might look at Ariana Grande licking those donuts without paying for them, while saying she hated America, as an ugly act of disloyalty to the very dollars-to-donuts system this country is founded upon. But then, revolution often resembles treason. And indeed, she’s already forced the status quo to take a serious look at itself: The L.A. Times reports that the Riverside County sheriff’s department and public health officials are now investigating—not Grande, whom they no doubt quietly regard as a hero, but the donut shop itself, delving into whether it “has a history of leaving doughnuts out on display and if they had existing policies to prevent access to the fried confectioneries” from miniature pop stars and other revolutionaries.
After all, Wolfee’s manager admits that all donuts from that now-infamous night sold out, so it’s entirely possible someone ate the ones Grande licked. For now, the health department “hasn’t received complaints from people who ate the contaminated doughnuts” yet—nor has it heard from those who ate the donuts she condemned. But with the flick of her tongue, Grande exposed the dangerous, blanket disregard for donut-related health that has for too long left us blithely unprotected. And after America founders completely into increasingly inevitable economic and environmental ruin—our poisonous financial institutions destroyed before they can bankrupt us, our delicious donuts licked before we can eat them—we’ll someday emerge from the crumbs to thank her.