As part of a long-overdue crackdown on sexed-up bears, Britain’s recent condemnation of Paddington and all his come-hither innuendo has been answered by the town of Tuszyn, Poland, which finally said enough is enough to Winnie The Pooh’s “dubious sexuality.” The cartoon, carnally nonspecific bear had been suggested as the mascot for a local playground, where parents would take their children to play and, presumably, not have sex with any bears. But much like Paddington before him, Pooh’s pantslessness—the telltale mark of the sexually promiscuous, for whom pants are but an obstacle—has been deemed “inappropriate” by the Tuszyn council, both for playgrounds and anywhere else bears should put on some damn pants already.
“The problem with that bear is it doesn’t have a complete wardrobe,” said council member Ryszard Cichy, easily the Anna Wintour of Polish bear fashion. “It is half naked, which is wholly inappropriate for children.” Answering the timeless question of how many Polish people it takes to screw with a bear’s self-esteem, a second council member suggested that Pooh “doesn’t wear underpants because it doesn’t have a sex,” declaring Pooh is actually a “hermaphrodite.” Of course, hermaphrodites actually have two sex organs, and would therefore seemingly have twice as many reasons to wear underwear. However, this rule obviously doesn’t apply to bears, nature’s exhibitionists.
From there, as so many town council meetings do, talk turned to castration.
“This is very disturbing but can you imagine! The author was over 60 and cut [Pooh’s] testicles off with a razor blade, because he had a problem with his identity,” councilor Hanna Jachimska said of author A.A. Milne, who is clearly the one with the sick and deranged imagination here. Suspiciously, Milne had no comment on just how many bear testicles he’s lopped off with his trusty straight razor, nicknamed “Betty,” as he claimed to have died in 1956.
According to the Croatian Times—which says audio of this meeting was leaked to the press, by a hero who’s had it with being greeted by bear genitals every which way—the council has yet to pick a different mascot. Though the New York Daily News says that Cichy recommended Poland’s own “Floppy Bear,” so named for the way his overalls contain his big, floppy bear dick, the way God intended.