Never one to pass on a gimmick in the service of catering to your naked lady fetish, PornHub is attempting to crowdsource $3.4 million to film what would probably be the first ever sex in space. (It’ll definitely the first-ever filmed sex in space.) The project’s Indiegogo page explains in detail, citing “great minds and brave souls” like Columbus, Gallileo, Da Vinci, Edison, and Ford, all of whom totally would have done it on camera in space given half a chance.
PornHub justifies its program as necessary research for the good of mankind, as “there are elements about life in space that need careful consideration and research,” like the effects of zero gravity on the skeletal system over long periods of time, or something about boobs. The film has already been cast, with female lead Eva Lovia, winner of the prestigious DP Star 2015 Competition, starring alongside “industry legend” Johnny Sins, described as having “a lust for adventure and strong sense of professionalism.”
Much like sex on Earth, sex in space is more expensive than one might expect, as the numerous tiers of support reach as high as $150,000. A $500 donation gets you a signed photo of the thespians involved, and “a shoutout during the filming… which will appear in the bloopers reel,” in case anyone wants the extra verisimilitude of a woman shouting out the wrong name during sex…in space. $5,000 gets you a private lunch date with the stars, $10,000 gets you tickets to the “sex tape launch party,” $50,000 gets you a prop to take home, and $150,000 gets you one of the space suits “worn by our sextronauts,” which is suspiciously cheap, given that the suits NASA use cost $12 million.
The rewards are disappointing in one respect: of 15 different levels of support, only four are space-related sex puns—$20 Assteroid, $30,000 Apollo 69, $50,000 Black Hole, and for $150,000, the classic Uranus. What’s worse, the film’s title is the bland, non-descriptive Sexplorations. Surely the cinematic geniuses who scripted classics like Big Trouble In Little Vagina, In Diana Jones And The Ass Crusade, and Lawrence Of A Labia could have come up with something better. Independence Lay? Blake’s 7 Inches? Ho-metheus? Alien Huge Erection? The Chronicles Of His Dick? Star Whores Episode I: The Phantom Men-Ass? Star Whores Episode II: Attack Of the Boners? Star Whores Episode IV: A New Grope? Star Sex III: The Search For Cock? Event Whore-ison? Galaxy Breast? Deep Impact? You can have all of those for free, PornHub.
It’s also unclear whether PornHub has considered the logistics of sex in space, as without gravity keeping a couple mattress-bound, even a moderate amount of thrusting could quickly send them spinning out of control. We suppose for $3.4 million, they’ll figure something out, although as of press time, the project has raised less than .1 percent of its goal.