Today, compelled by some kind of Halloween-related desire to expose myself to the thing that disgusts me most, I ventured over to Dane Cook's MySpace page.
Now, the thing that people praise most about Cook is not his comedy, or his acting, or his ability to never stop gesticulating, or even his perfectly frosted hair. It's his ability to market himself through fan interaction, fostering a sense of inclusion, and the Internet that wins him praise–his buisness sense rather than his comedic sense.
Cook's entire career is built on the idea that, as he says in Vicious Circle, "there are so many things I want to let you in my world about," and many of those things are Cook-related products.
But as I was reading this deeply disturbing entry on Cook's MySpace blog I discovered that there are many more products that Cook would like to "let you into his world about," and, unfortunately, he would also like to "let you into his world about" his current jerk-off fantasy involving Shakira at the same time. Two birds, one stone.
So, now I present to you, just in time for Halloween:
Product Placement In Dane Cook's Masturbatory Fantasies
1. Urban Outfitters
Sitting in my hotel room the other night I decided to give Shakira a shot. Over the years I've considered rubbing one out to her but this chick I spied in Urban Outfiters trying on camo shorts always ousted her. Shaki was about to enter my dirty Matrix.
2. Many, many mattresses.
Shakira and I were doing our best to resist each other but the Serta Perfect Sleeper Fallbrooke Pillowtop was looking like the spot to find respite…
At this point in my fantasy we had moved to a Stearns & Foster Sherrington Mattress because I found that when I am under Shakira it gives me more support plus I heard through the mattress rumor mill that it earned 4 stars over at epinions.
3. Shakira's album, and, naturally, Employee Of The Month
…as we chatted about everything from her new album Oral Fixation to her real name which is Shakira Isabel Mebarak Ripoll to why she wanted me so bad after she saw me in Employee of the Month which happens to be in theaters now. E..nuff projecting my thoughts through her it's time to get goin'.
4. Forever 21, Maybelline, and Billy Joel's Cold Spring Harbor album.
I decided clothing wise to put her in a mesh-sleeveless-half-top-ripped-petite-baby-t and skirt from Forever 21 since their skirts look like belts. Her damp hair was pulled back in a scrunchy and she had just applied some frosty looking lip-gloss called Maybelline "let me wipe this off on your balls" Wear 'n Go Lip Color. The soundtrack? Billy Joel's "She's Got a Way" from his Cold Spring Harbor album.
5. Some arcade games.
The entire experience was pleasurable on many levels with only a few ADDish distractions. At one point while we were boning I thought about getting one of those Megatouch bar top arcade machines because I love the game Photo Hunt and sometimes Entertainment Trivia.
That's about it. I'll spare you the part about his "fictional load'.
So, what do all of you think? Is it possible that Dane Cook is offering product placement in his masturbatory fantasies? Or is simply mentioning products in a blog entry about masturbating some kind of bold new form of comedy? Perhaps he's trying an inventive new way to market masturbating, Billy Joel, and Employee Of The Month? Which scenario is the scariest?
I don't know. But if nothing else, Cook has suceeded in making me feel really bad for Shakira.