Does an episode that contains 45% old footage, 10% Heidi repetitions, 5% memories of Michael Kors' youth, 10% teasing the Fan Favorite™ award, and 30% bitchy Victorya or squinty Steven reaction shots count as a new Project Runway episode? I would say not really. Still, I watched it. And while it was mostly filler ("Do you have any questions for us, the judges?" is a new level of desperation) and dull questions/speculations (this truly was the most boring season of Project Runway yet. They even had to bring Michael, ahem, Mychael Knight back in as a guest just to have something to talk about.) there were a few revelations. Here they are, in no particular order:
1. Everyone who voted for the Fan Favorite™ award is 14 years old and/or in possession of an annoyingness shield. How else can you explain Christian winning in a landslide?
2. Jeffrey (from Season 3) is now Freddy Kruger.
3. Michael Kors at one time looked like a blond Richard Marx, or a gay male Rapunzel, just freed from the tower.
4. The judges sometimes write things like, "Blue" or "ugly," or "hate the skirt" on their cards. Oooooooh.
5. Squinty Steve: still squinty, more earthworm-like than I remembered.
6. Heidi Klum is a disciplined professional. Only years and years of modeling can teach you to sit there with blunt bangs directly in your eyes like that without brushing them away at every available opportunity.
7. Jillian does a pretty good Heidi Klum impression.
8. But when she's not doing that impression, she maybe has a speech impediment? I don't know. She sounds like she's holding about ten pennies under her tongue when she talks. Maybe it's the meds.
9. Speaking of which, where was the wacky "Jillian's on meds" montage? Ricky's tears got one. Fattie Chris' cackle got one. "Fierce" got one. Even Heidi got one. Why wasn't there a "Jillian's on meds" package for Tim or Heidi to awkwardly introduce by saying, "Jillian, you know, sometimes you're pretty slow…"
10. Sweet P is a name-dropper!
11. On a related note, Catherine Keener and Jack Black have bad taste in Project Runway contestants. (But not as bad as everyone who voted for Fan Favorite™.)
12. Victorya might be an android.
13. Carmen was angry that the other contestants didn't miss her more? This is what passes for beef on Project Runway 4.
14. If positioned just so on a couch, Rami and Chris can resemble a dummy and ventriloquist, respectively. Or, you know, a couple.
15. When Ricky holds in all of his tears, they collect in a strange, red and black, pleather appendage on top of his head, kind of like a giant boil.
Grade: NA (Not Applicable, since this was not a real episode.)
Stray Observations:
—If you tickle Fattie Chris, he cackles joyfully. Seriously, what more do you people want in a Fan Favorite™?
—"It's a tranny mess." Oh, I get it, Christian. Cause trannies are the opposite of fierce?
—"Yah! That's your wrestling name! HA!" I couldn't tell if Heidi was drunk or just German at the reunion.