Put ’em in your mouth and suck ’em: 30 (mostly sexual) odes to various body parts, from top to bottom
1. Original cast, “Hair”
The title song to the quintessential ’60s stage musical doesn’t bother getting into why long hair is politically and personally important to the unshorn hippies who gallivant their way through the story—it’s just an energetic, pure-and-simple love song to “Long beautiful hair / Shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen… long as God can grow it.” The lead singer doesn’t need a reason to celebrate his shagginess: When he says his “toga made of blond, Brilliantined, Biblical hair” is “like Jesus wore it,” his exuberance implies that he isn’t imitating Jesus’ hairstyle, he’s just noticed that Jesus had enough hair to be almost as cool as a ’60s flower child.
2. Prince, “Head”
Mr. Sexy Lover Man Prince Rogers Nelson doesn’t love his virgin lady—who’s on the way to get married!—because she has a beautiful smile or eyebrows or ears or anything else on her head. But he does love something she can do with her head. (And that, my friends, is give a blowjob.) After soiling her wedding gown with (presumably purple) ejaculate, Prince goes on to marry the girl himself, and they live happily ever after, giving each other head most every day. And then there’s a synthesizer solo.
3. Animal Collective, “Guys Eyes”
“Guys Eyes” is one of the quieter moments on Merriweather Post Pavilion: It finds Animal Collective floating in a stew of layered vocals, tape-warped piano, and clacking percussion. Buried in all that gorgeous texture is a simple message from singer Avey Tare: He really wants to tell his girl that he’d like to make the beast with two backs, but he doesn’t know how. Tragically, he winds up stuttering “I want to…” until the song’s close. Leave it to Animal Collective to get lost in the approach, rather than focus on closing the deal. Word to Avey: What pleases the average music geek doesn’t necessarily do the job in the bedroom.
4. Archie Bronson Outfit, “Cherry Lips”
Archie Bronson Outfit is sadly overlooked outside its native London. 2006’s Derdang Derdang is an excellently nervy exercise in post-punk blues, and “Cherry Lips” is its pinnacle, seemingly getting to the core of the singer’s angst. The video features a lithe female body hula-hooping in red booty shorts—oddly for a song about lips, we don’t see her mouth once, though there are a lot of crotch shots. If Sam Windett’s lusty screeching for “Your fat cherry lips!” doesn’t clear up any lingering confusion, the video sorts it out by offering up a lady’s lap full of the titular fruit.
5. Khia, “My Neck, My Back (Lick It)”
While technically focusing on the neck and back, Khia’s 2002 single off Thug Misses also encourages the listener to lick other parts of her as well. The song isn’t just about Khia’s body parts, though—her song encourages all who practice cunnilingus and analingus to “get on your knees” and “put your neck into it” until she emits pleasure all over “your face and stuff.” It’s sort of a sexual “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.”
6. Alkaline Trio, “Clavicle”
This track from Alkaline Trio’s excellent debut, Goddamnit, is just as sweet as it is sexy. Singer Matt Skiba feels the first exciting blush of romance, and rather than imagine the joys of coitus, he pictures a little girlish afterglow: “I wanna wake up naked next to you / kissing the curve in your clavicle.”
7. The Black Eyed Peas, “My Humps”
Hand it to meth-enthusiast and BEP singer Fergie: She knows what men want, which is a brainless bubblegum song about tits and asses, a.k.a. “humps.” Yes, “My Humps” is beyond nauseatingly annoying, but its message is timeless: Men will spend all their money to get access to “humps,” because merely seeing them will “drive these brothers crazy.” Perhaps if BEP had aligned the song with a breast- or ass-cancer awareness program, “My Humps” would be remembered more fondly. Instead, it’s known only as “that dumb song about boobs.”
8. Kelis, “Milkshake”
It’s almost too much to bear, knowing that Kelis’ sugar-sweet “Milkshake” is, in hindsight, the logical precursor to Fergie’s repulsive “My Humps.” This Harlem-born dairy queen always maintained a commitment to keeping hip-pop soul weird, and there was something perfectly off-kilter about her inescapable 2003 hit. That was back when the “Neptunes sound” still meant something, so when she asserted the superiority of her breasts (we assume) over a minimal electro-Bhangra beat, there was no shortage of boys in the yard. Kelis is currently expecting, so chances are it’s actually hubby Nas who’s serving up the fatty, frosty beverages these days.
9. T-Pain, “Yo Stomach”
You have to give robot-voiced R&B superstar T-Pain credit for the novelty of his body-part fetishism. While his less-imaginative, less-perverted colleagues rhapsodize tediously about T&A, T-Pain salivates openly about his love of washboard abs and toned tummies on the tellingly titled “Yo Stomach.” Over a slinky groove, T-Pain croons “Six-pack—ain’t nothing more groovy / Four-pack—then when that stomach movin’.”
10. Shakira, “Hips Don’t Lie”
Lips obviously can’t be trusted, but the way Shakira sings about the honesty of her undulating pelvis, it’s obvious that hips shouldn’t be trusted either. If you believe her, Shakira’s attraction and sexual tension are only conveyed through a series of hip sways, like a belly-dancing Morse code. It’s a testament to the power of hips that even her boasting sounds sexy. When she hisses, “Don’t you see, baby, this is perfection,” who doesn’t believe her?
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11. Eagles Of Death Metal, “I’m Your Torpedo”
Almost any song from Eagles Of Death Metal’s extremely phallo-centric Heart On could have—ahem—filled this slot; “I’m Your Torpedo” just happens to have the most direct reference to dick in its title. Plus, this line, sung in falsetto, doesn’t hurt: “Move it to the left / Shake it to the right / Make some room for your daddy / ’Cause we’re gonna make a landing tonight.” Jesse Hughes’ sense of double entendre is none-too-subtle, nor is the grinding high-desert boogie-rock that accompanies it. If this doesn’t inspire a case of the wanton thrusts, your torpedo is defective.
12-13. NWH, “My Peanuts” / Chef, “Chocolate Salty Balls”
“My Peanuts,” by the fictional Niggas With Hats (from the criminally underrated parody Fear Of A Black Hat) may actually be about salty legumes. But it probably isn’t, not with lyrics like “I took my peanuts outta the sack / her hand started movin’ up, down, and back / She squeezed too hard, I said ‘Oh brother,
it looks like you made peanut butter.’” And “Chocolate Salty Balls,” by South Park’s Chef—a.k.a. the recently departed Isaac Hayes—probably isn’t about a sweet chocolatey treat, even though the lyrics contain a complete recipe. At the very least, it’s also about something else: “Just stick my balls in your mouth, oooh!”
14. 2 Live Crew, “Pop That Pussy”
“Pop That Pussy” suggests two things: that the members of 2 Live Crew are enamored of the female form, and that they’re terrible rappers. The latter fact is of little consequence on this sizable hit, which reflects on the delights to be found in butts and breasts (“I like big booty and big ol’ titties”), but really focuses its energy most intently on the female genitalia. It’s not entirely clear what the title is requesting—most likely a dance that highlights the vagina—but it’s clear that these gentleman are interested.
15. Sir Mix-A-Lot, “Baby Got Back”
There’s something almost innocent about Sir Mix-A-Lot’s paean to large posteriors. He begins by simply stating a fact: “I like big butts, and I can not lie.” He goes on to explain that he’s not interested in fake butts, either, since “silicone parts are made for toys.” Guess how much ass Sir Mix-A-Lot got from this massive hit? Answer: tons of ass.
16. Queen, “Fat Bottomed Girls”
Is there any topic Queen couldn’t turn into a soaring rock anthem? On this 1978 hit, Freddie Mercury sings from the perspective of a kid turned into a “bad boy” by an overweight nanny named Fanny. A horrific case of sexual abuse? Hell no! The kid grows up to be a rock star with his choice of any “blue-eyed floozy” he wants. But you know what he really likes? Fat-bottomed girls who remind him of his first love. Why? They make the rockin’ world go round. How? Who knows? But if Mercury’s lyrics alone don’t sell the sentiment, the enthusiastic harmonies and crunching guitar solos do. It could double as a jingle for the National Association To Advance Fat Acceptance.
17. Spinal Tap, “Big Bottom”
In fact, has anyone ever written a musical paean to small asses? In spite of our societal obsession with thinness, our lustiest, most graphic musicians seem to have a preference for full-figured ladies—or at least full-figured backsides. The (fictional) members of parody rock band Spinal Tap are no exception: Their most quotable and seemingly best-remembered song is all about the joys of a big ol’ butt. “The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin’… The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand,” the song starts. Amid eye-rolling rock metaphors about the singer’s “love gun” and his “pink torpedo” (around which his big-tushed paramour fits like a “flesh tuxedo”), the song repeatedly returns to the terrible pun that seems to be its raison d’être: “How can I leave this behind?”
18. DJ Assault, “Ass ’N’ Titties”
The pinnacle of the ghettotech/booty-bass movement, DJ Assault’s simple, repetitive, mindless, borderline-brilliant “Ass ’N’ Titties” features some verses (about washing your stanky self, having sex with DJ Assault, etc.), but it’s the chorus (“Ass ass, titties titties, ass ’n’ titties”) that drives the point home. In case his point wasn’t clear, Assault later re-recorded the track as “Ass ’N’ Titties 2001,” which featured better production and more body parts: “Ass ass, titties titties, two asses, four titties.”
19. Kim Carnes, “Bette Davis Eyes”
We momentarily interrupt this increasingly booty-and-boobs-focused list to bring you a different kind of song: Jackie DeShannon’s “Bette Davis Eyes,” brought to popularity in the early ’80s by Kim Carnes, lists a few non-sexual but passion-inspiring bodily bits, from hair of “Harlow gold” to hands that never get cold. But the chorus keeps returning to those Bette Davis eyes—the heavy-lidded bedroom eyes that knowingly suggest sex without getting too specific or too graphic. Truly this song comes from a different era of more refined manners. Now, back to the ass.
20. Eminem, “Ass Like That”
By the time of 2004’s Encore, Eminem was struggling to find the kind of celebrity targets he had ruthlessly mocked on his rise to stardom. Case in point: “Ass Like That,” a song sung entirely in a voice parodying Triumph The Insult Comic Dog. Seemingly rapping to 5-year-olds, Eminem/Triumph raps about the many asses of many Hollywood stars that make his “pee pee” go “da-doing doing doing.” Things that asses like that make people do include: pee on women like R. Kelly (which happened two years prior), masturbate in adult-movie theaters like Paul Reubens (which happened 13 years prior), and presumably, become child molesters like (allegedly) Michael Jackson. With an even odder music video that switches between reality and a puppet world of Crank Yankers characters, the song dutifully lists good asses, noting in particular Jessica Simpson’s, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s, Hilary Duff’s, and Gwen Stefani’s. For no real reason, Arnold Schwarzenegger is thrown in there, but hey, he’s got a good ass, too.
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21. E.U., “Da Butt”
Long before Six Mix-A-Lot dropped his unforgettable ode to the hiney, the D.C.-based go-go ensemble Experience Unlimited rocked Spike Lee’s School Daze party with “Da Butt.” The funky track features an unforgettable drum break, a kinky horn hook, and call-and-response vocals perfect for hollering in your dance partner’s ear, from the rear. Best of all, at the end, there was a countdown of who exactly has a big ol’ butt, just in case there was any ambiguity.
22. Juvenile, “Back That Ass Up”
Juvenile is about as intelligible as a frog drowning in a vat of molasses—which is part of what makes him sound so dirty. The only three words that can reliably be distilled from his flow are “yeah,” “ha,” and “fire.” His choruses, however, are always crystal-clear, and none more so than in this ode to a girl with a “wobbly, wobbly” ass. What do we know about this girl? She looks good; depending upon how dirty you’re feeling, she’s either “a big fine woman” or “a fine motherfucker;” she’s “working with some ass, yeah” and Juvenile wants her to back it up so bad he dropped the “yeah.”
23. Hammer, “Pumps And A Bump”
When his career as a family-friendly, genie-pants-wearing clean-cut dance machine started to wane, MC Hammer hilariously tried to change his image by flirting with Death Row records, hopping onboard the G-Funk bandwagon and releasing the uncharacteristically lascivious single “Pumps And A Bump.” One can only imagine what Hammer’s Christian fan base made of lyrics like “If you want to kick it with a G, baby here’s me / ’Cause I come equipped, I’m a pimp, a slippity-slip, I suppose you take a trip” as he rapped about the virtues of tits, ass, and comfortable-yet-sexy footwear. Incidentally, those lines marked the first and last time anyone ever thought of the Gold4cash pitchman as a pimp or a “G.” Hammer obviously wasn’t kidding about his love of curves: The infamous music video for the song features Hammer wearing a tiny leopard-print bathing suit and sporting an unmistakable erection.
24. D4L, “Shake That Laffy Taffy”
What is it about this song that’s so damn catchy? The alliteration of Laffy, followed by Taffy, repeated ad nauseam? The maybe-Casio keyboard banging out two-note progressions? The mystery of what, exactly, Laffy Taffy is? (Not candy; probably the ass.) Whatever. The simple rhythm works, in original and Girl Talk remix forms, and its lyrics paint a vivid picture of a man—a simple man—who can’t help but “skeet, skeet, skeet, like a water hose” before heading to the mall. Also, there are lots of boners.
25. Mystikal, “Shake Ya Ass”
Though radio stations knew Mystikal’s breakthrough single as “Shake It Fast,” there was no mistaking exactly what the gravel-voiced New Orleans MC was shouting about on his breakthrough single. Over hot, sweaty Neptunes production, Mystikal channels James Brown as he shouts “show me what you’re working with!” to zaftig young honeys.
26-27. ZZ Top, “Tush” and “Legs”
ZZ Top never explicitly denied that the blues jam “Tush” was about the quest for booty, though “tush” also apparently means something like “good enough.” But the sexy slide and Dusty Hill’s pleading vocals make it obvious what they’re looking for. As to the group’s better-known body-part anthem, there’s having legs, and then there’s knowing how to use them. Apparently the latter can get you a pair of frilly ankle socks, a makeover, a short-order-cook boyfriend, and a ride in a dune buggy.
28. Aerosmith, “Lord Of The Thighs”
Rather than take the simple way out by ogling boobs, Steven Tyler fixates on the road to the ultimate prize in this stupid, stupid song. “I am the lord of your thighs!” What does that even mean? Her thighs have to pray to you now?
29. Nelly, “Pretty Toes”
There aren’t many popular foot-fetish songs out there, and even this Nelly track spends some time on other body parts, like “coochie so good, make it hard for you to leave her.” Still, it’s called “Pretty Toes,” it keeps coming back to feet (“Light-skinned Asian bitches with pink toes…”) and the amazing spoken-word bit toward the end gets all lusty about open-toed sandals, and the hotness of girls running to the grocery store in house shoes, “with your feet out.” (Seriously.)
30. The Last Poets, “Black Thighs”
Though their radical proto-rap sometimes leavened its righteousness with humor, “Black Thighs” proved The Last Poets could get their smooth on as well. While their percussive backing music usually came across as the rhythm of revolution, here it was the propulsive movement of pure sex, as the trio grunted and sweated through a minute and a half of sheer bump-and-grind release. But even in the heat of passion, the struggle is not forgotten: The Poets make it clear that black thighs are “making me forget about white thighs, white love.”