As confirmed by The Verge, Microsoft has killed Internet Explorer, the popular web browser that nobody liked.
Internet Explorer first broke into the world of web browsers in 1995, though the internet was vastly different back then from how it is today. Only a small number of very dedicated users were able to look at pornography while in the bathroom, for example. Plus, nobody could be on the phone while they were in there, or else they’d hear nothing but wonderfully melodic modem noises. Eventually, though, Internet Explorer—or IE, as its fans would come to call it—broke into the mainstream, and it went on to became the most popular web browser in the entire world. Those were the glory days of IE, long before anyone realized it was possible to go on the internet with a browser that wasn’t garbage. Some Microsoft employees even believed that their age of market dominance would last forever, and they probably got Internet Explorer tattoos or whatever.
Unfortunately, though, there was a darkness on the horizon, and its name was Firefox. IE held its ground and fought bravely against the oncoming storm, managing to hold onto a large number of users who were too stupid or lazy to download Firefox, but even a good web browser wouldn’t have been able to stand against what came next: A vicious demon known as Google Chrome, and the various mobile operating systems that don’t support Internet Explorer.
Now, the struggle has become too much for IE to withstand, and it has closed its window one last time before being dragged into the great Recycle Bin icon in the sky. Candlelight vigils for IE are now being held literally nowhere in the world, and no memorial is currently planned. As of press time, mourners were not flooding the streets, and we do not believe they ever will.
There’s a light in the darkness for Microsoft fans who refuse to download Chrome, though, as the company is still developing a new browser that will take IE’s place without having all of that horrible stigma that IE’s name carried. The Verge says it’s code-named “Project Spartan,” presumably because it will work with Microsoft’s Siri-knockoff, Cortana, and those are both things from the Halo games—plus, just calling it “Corporate Synergy” wouldn’t be very catchy.
Internet Explorer leaves behind a wife and two children, none of whom will miss it.