You may now bid on a diamond ring made of ranch dressing, if that's the sort of thing you'd like to do
The ranchmongers at Hidden Valley are auctioning off the precious, filthy item on eBay
In 2017, some evil counselor in the throne room of Hidden Valley headquarters whispered a diabolical suggestion into the ear of the Ranch Kingdom’s monarch and the Keg Of Dressing was brought into existence. Half a decade has been spent planning how to escalate this company-wide descent into darkness, and now a solution has been found. It takes the form of a Ring Of Power so filled with dark magic that Tolkien could never have imagined it in his wildest dreams.
We present to you, Hidden Valley’s “Ranch Diamond” ring.
Currently being auctioned on eBay as a “limited edition item,” the Ranch Diamond ring is described by its dread creators as “the ultimate expression of true love—a first-of-its-kind man-made diamond created from the first name in ranch.”
A press release describes the occult arts used to summon the Ranch Diamond into existence. We’re told that it was called forth from the abyss by “a professional diamond maker in a lab by heating Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning to 2,500 degrees, and then crushing the output beneath 400 tons of pressure, taking five months total to create.” The 2 carat stink gem “was then set in a 14K white gold band with ‘HVR LVR’ engraved on the inside.”
The result will be sent to the auction’s winner “in a custom jewelry pouch” to protect the ring and ensure that its owner can pass the item down through generation upon generation, puzzling future archaeologists who eventually discover it buried intact in the ruins of a once-mighty empire called America.
Despite the evil inherent to its very existence, Hidden Valley promises to donate all proceeds from its evil wizard jewelry’s sale to Feeding America, which is good. The company also advertises the item by saying it’s “sure to add a bit of zest to any marriage proposal,” though, so its charitable efforts must be understood as an attempt to compensate for the psychic damage everything surrounding the Ranch Diamond is inflicting on the world.
The eBay listing will run until Thursday morning and it currently sits at $12,450 USD with 78 bids. Our advice to all those who wish to dress their fingers in mutated ranch is to act fast before the ring is bought up by Lil Uzi Vert or Post Malone and grafted onto their bodies in an unholy union of man and mayo-based dressing.
[via Vice]
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