The Righteous Gemstones, ranked by most to least pathetic

It’s an obvious toss-up between Jesse and Kelvin this week. But while Jesse feels burned by his wife’s competence, the youngest Gemstone, Kelvin, can barely lift a smoothie—let alone pull up his pants. , Kelvin makes a last-ditch effort to maintain control of the God Squad. Unfortunately, the smoothies were a bad idea, and a massive concrete cross crushed Keefe’s attempt to carry the burden. Though his closest confidant is relegated to the bamboo cages of Kelvin’s front yard, Kelvin still has one thing the others don’t: his father’s remorse. If Eli survives, he owes Kelvin a massive debt, hardly a bad thing to have in your back pocket. The real question: does Kelvin even know he has this bargaining chip?

Despite surviving an attack from the Cycle Ninjas, Jesse’s stock is falling. His son, Pontius, is not buying Jesse’s “who knows who shot the assassin” bit, and neither is anyone else. All the women in the Gemstone Salvation Center family support group believe Amber, not Jesse, protects the flock. He can’t even bring himself to suck back a couple of IPAs with Chad—IPAs are for people who take assassins out. Unsurprisingly, it’s Jesse’s wife who convinces him to get his mojo back by arming a basement of men who are sadder than he is with scientifically accurate replicas of the biblical David’s sling. He’s victorious for now, but it’s safe to assume that Junior doesn’t take his threat too seriously. It’s also safe to predict that Junior has nothing to do with the Cycle Ninjas.

The woman in Jesse’s corner, Amber Gemstone, has become a steady source of power and confidence for him. But this week, she finally grabbed some of the spotlight for herself. After she successfully tags one of the Cycle Ninjas, Amber earns the respect of the ministry’s marriage support group as Jesse’s savior. Still, Amber’s connection to the Gemstones only comes through Jesse, so there’s a ceiling on how high she can go. Nevertheless, a win for Amber is technically a win for Jesse, and she is very committed to that man. Lord knows why.

The newest Gemstone, BJ (Tim Baltz), didn’t just have a big win this week; it might be his first win. Ever. , BJ started the episode wearing a crisis turtleneck and finished it wearing a smile. When confronting Eli calmly and maturely, he finds the courage to tell his father-in-law the truth, in plain language, about his family: it’s dysfunctional. His ascension closely resembles Tom Wambsgans on , who similarly earned the respect of the family matriarch by thinking of someone other than himself. While BJ is much less conniving, manipulative, and evil than Tom, they have similar outcomes: A powerful ally to help raise their stock.

This is likely the last time we’ll be able to put Eli Gemstone this high because he might be dead. Also, in the previous few weeks, his kids came to believe that he sustained a manscaping accident. That’s a hard one to come back from. But before getting mowed down by the Cycle Ninjas (and mowing himself down in the bathroom), Eli was still in control of the family and, more importantly, its finances. Additionally, Eli’s ally, Martin, is far more competent than his kids’ teammates. Sorry, BJ, Amber, and Keefe, Martin’s years of experience will keep Eli and his legacy protected for the time being. Plus, c’mon, he’s got more power than BJ. Look at what he did to Kelvin!

Judy Gemstone (Edi Patterson) didn’t have a lot going on this week, but her chat with Tiffany (Valyn Hall) shows off more strength than she knows. Like BJ, she also gives a family member some challenging information, telling her aunt that Baby Billy (Walton Goggins) isn’t coming back and that all of the men in the family are selfish beyond compare. Though it will make headaches for Billy, this bit of compassion for Tiffany shows a more powerful, assertive, and effective Judy. If she wanted to, she could come clean about all her family’s dirty dealings and leave the Gemstone fortune for herself.

No one is more powerful than Aimee-Leigh. God rest her soul.