Riverdale doesn't give a fuck about your goddamned holiday spirit

By Allison Shoemaker | November 28, 2018 | 6:00am

TV Lists What's On Tonight

Here’s what’s happening in the world of television for Wednesday, November 28. All times are Eastern.

Top pick

Riverdale (The CW, 8 p.m.): Ahem. To the tune of Andy Williams:

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It’s the holiday season
And Santa Claus is gonna bring
A bag of presents tied up with a string
For all who aren’t in some crazy crime ring
And he’s prob’ly not the Gargoyle King
(And he’s prob’ly not the Gargoyle King)

It’s the holiday season
And director Rachel Talalay
Will keep things tense in that Riverdale way
She’ll just ignore Santa’s big flying sleigh
Santa’s prob’ly not the Gargoyle King
(And he’s prob’ly not the Gargoyle King)

He’ll have a big fat pack upon his back
And lots of goodies, presuuuuuma-bl-y
But Riverdale steers clear
Of festive cheer
So don’t expect a goddamn Christmas tree

It’s the holiday season
So hoop-de-do and hickory dock
And don’t forget to hang up your sock
‘Cause just exactly at 8 o’clock
Veronica will end up in trouble as a result of her continued efforts to prove Archie’s innocence, leading to Archie asking for Kevin’s help, while Betty keeps on trying to figure out the identity of the Gargoyle King
(Santa’s prob’ly not the Gargoyle King)

LaToya Ferguson, who is also probably not the Gargoyle King, stands ready to recap all the non-festive happenings.

Regular coverage

Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.)
South Park (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)

Wild card

A Legendary Christmas With John And Chrissy (NBC, 10 p.m.): So if you’re feeling really festive—not unlikely, as we’re still in that first post-Thanksgiving flush and have not yet had time to get sick of things like snow and carols and putting Bailey’s in coffee because it’s festive and we can do whatever as long as it’s festive—John Legend and Chrissy Teigen have got a program for you. It’s in support of Legend’s new album, A Legendary Christmas (get it?), and includes lots of famous guests (Stevie Wonder!), but while we find Legend and Teigen pretty damn charming, we must admit that the big draw for us here is the scheduled appearance of Zach Galifianakis. He’s got a beard, and it’s a holiday special. You do the math.