Road House review: Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't have the charm to carry this wannabe action comedy

Jake Gyllenhaal’s first appearance in Road House is a joke that tells the audience exactly what to expect. He appears, in shadows shot from behind, shirtless with a sinewy muscled physique in a fighting ring. The camera comes in close to capture his physical perfection; he looks sculpted like a marble statue. His opponent takes one look and concedes. And that’s the movie, all looks and bluster and no substance.

Gyllenhaal takes on Patrick Swayze’s role in this remake of the 1989 crowd pleaser. He’s Dalton, an ex-UFC fighter who takes a job as a bouncer at a roadhouse in the Florida Keys. The owner, Frankie (Jessica Williams), is trying to stop a cadre of bad guys (Billy Magnussen, Joaquim de Almeida, Arturo Castro, and Conor McGregor among them) from destroying her property for nefarious reasons that are not immediately apparent. In this small town, Dalton befriends locals (Hannah Lanier and Kevin Carroll), teaches a young bartender (Lukas Cage) how to fight back, romances a doctor (Daniela Melchior), and beats up bad guys left and right.

Director Doug Liman (Edge Of Tomorrow, Chaos Walking) keeps the action breezy. There are many fights that are choreographed well and give the audience what they came for; set pieces where the bad guys get hurt and our hero is triumphant. Unfortunately, between these set pieces the film tries to tell a story, and what it comes up with is an obvious one. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, since no one watching this is really looking for spellbinding storytelling. The problem is that it becomes convoluted, adding too many uninteresting twists and turns. The script, credited to Anthony Bagarozzi and Charles Mondry, introduces so many characters that the audience gets lost a bit at the beginning. Not to worry, many of them will soon be discarded and never heard from again.

The dialogue is full of snappy one-liners. Most of them are obvious and not that funny. This strands the actors and hampers their performances. They end up dropping lines for emphasis instead of inhabiting characters. Gyllenhaal, as mentioned above, looks the part. But he doesn’t have the requisite sense of humor to make this rake charming. He mostly just looks uncomfortable. Similarly, while he looks like a heartthrob, he has no chemistry with Melchior and their scenes together are wooden instead of charged with sexual heat. Arturo ends up being the only actor actually trying to play a character. His bad guy is ambivalent about what he has to do and suspicious of his teammates. Aryuro plays him as befuddled and cuddly, stealing every scene he’s in.

On the other hand, McGregor can’t create anything out of his first acting part. Not only can’t he act, he can’t dance, he can’t move, and worst of all, can’t deliver dialogue. He’s awkward self-consciousness come to stilted celluloid life. Nothing he does in Road House looks or sounds like human behavior. It’s a case to be studied for how not to be in a movie. The old adage applies; you can’t look away because it’s a car crash. A disaster of an appearance, since nothing he does can actually be called a performance. Even in the fight scenes, which should be his forte, he looks clumsy. It would have been much better if an actor was hired and taught how to fight instead.

In the end, it’s understandable why this remake of Road House is skipping a theatrical release and streaming exclusively on Amazon. It doesn’t have much entertainment value. A by-the-book actioner that’s sunk by indifferent performances, muddled storylines, and stilted dialogue. It belongs on streaming where audiences do not have to give it full attention. It only sparks in fits and starts, making it easily digestible at home.

Road House premieres March 21 on Prime Video