Roland Emmerich's next movie set inside White House that, frustratingly, does not explode

Having briefly strayed outside his rubble-strewn milieu to rock the literary world with his anti-Stratfordian theorizing like KABOOOOM, Roland Emmerich is returning to a more familiar idiom of asinine shit with the upcoming White House Down. The spec script from Amazing Spider-Man writer James Vanderbilt tracks those perilous few days when the White House was felled by an RPG over Mogadishu, crashing in a tailspin that left the battered home vulnerable to Somali forces. Ha ha, no, that is an obvious play on the fact that White House Down sounds like the movie Black Hawk Down, which is what the producers want you to think of for some reason. The actual story is being likened to a Die Hard set at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and concerns a sudden paramilitary takeover of the White House—a scenario only slightly less silly than the fake one we just came up with. Anyway, the shoot will no doubt find Emmerich doing an antsy, have-to-pee dance around the White House’s perimeter as he resists his instinct to destroy it.