Saturday Night Live has announced its first round of hosts for the new season, officially dashing hopes that you’re one of them. Next time, try being more famous—or, in the case of Sept. 28 opening night host Tina Fey, put in nine years as an SNL writer and performer, then go on to become one of the industry’s most successful comic voices, then return to the show to provide the familiar face that will help ease the rocky transition after a mass cast exodus. That way you’ll also get to have Arcade Fire as your musical guest.
Alternatively, you could stick your ass out on television and force the nation to spend several weeks discussing it, in which case you could be Oct. 5 host and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Then you will be forced into a Miley Cyrus Show sketch where you pay winking acknowledgment to the controversy before reprising it in your musical numbers, and also the word “twerking” is definitely uttered. You’ll also work closely with several of the nation’s finest speech therapists, devising a new way to deliver your monologue while keeping your tongue permanently outside your mouth.
Or, you could be Bruce Willis, and a trail of money and harmonicas leads you to the sanctuary of Studio 8H, where at least you will be relieved of the tedium of explosions. Then you can just sigh through the cue cards and their jokes about how, when you last hosted in 1989 you still had hair, until it’s time for Katy Perry to do her thing, whatever that is, is it 1 a.m. yet?