Savage Love Extra- June 4, 2008

Readers react to a recent column about several couples with pre-marriage problems:

First,
thank you Dan, for the column and podcast. You have helped me immeasurably. If
I could buy you drinks or chocolate or whatever, I would. And now some advice
from me for Bi Bi Bridie and Right Handed Man: WORK THIS SHIT OUT NOW.

My
fiancé and I had the signs of sexual incompatibilities before our engagement.
And more cropped up during our engagement. We both thought things would improve
and that we would relax and get better once the rings were on. Well, seven
years, tons of counseling, one son, and one divorce later, I know this is not
true. Things got worse, to the point of years of no sexual contact at all.

So,
from someone who has been in your shoes, BBB and RHM, I say this: Listen to
Dan! Talk about this now. Be
honest now. And I can't stress
this part enough: Be totally, fucking, brutally honest about what you
need/want/feel. Now is not
the time to tell the other person what you think they want to hear. It will be
difficult, but for God's sake, don't get married with this on the table and
unexamined. If you do, misery awaits; trust me.

And,
if that seems too scary, get a counselor and do it in front of them. Having a
support system in the room can help.

The
Voice Of Experience

I just read your response to Right Handed Man (jerks it a lot
instead of having sex with his fiancée) and wanted to chime in with my two
cents. While I agree with your advice (open communication is almost always the
correct action), I think you may have been a little harsh in your
psychoanalysis of RHM as an insecure bag of slop. I don't know the guy, maybe
he does have insecurity issues, probably does, but there is at least one other
possibility. I am recently divorced, and one of the issues the ex and I had was
this same thing: I masturbated more than we had sex, and it bothered her (and
me, I just didn't realize it at first). After talking about it with her, I
realized that I would rather masturbate than have sex with my beautiful wife
because SHE had such control issues when it came to sex that it felt like a
fucking performance review every time. There was a precise script that I was
not to deviate from, or else she would be unable to come—and not just
positions or specific foreplay, either.

As you might imagine, this kind of pressure and control made
sex unappealing compared to my oh-so-undemanding hand. The initial approach to
this issue by my ex was, "Why don't you want sex more often? I thought men
wanted sex all the time?" My defensive response to that approach sidetracked us
from understanding the true underlying issues (mine and hers) for some time.
Attacking RHM without allowing that he might not be 100 percent the problem
could easily be counterproductive.

Worked It Out

I
really hope that RHM is my ex-boyfriend; otherwise, there are at least two
masturbating, non-communicating egotists out there. He dreamed of a woman more
passive than me, and it looks like he found her. What I want to know is why the fiancée isn't writing in to you. I
think your advice to RHM is spot on, but I'd like to add some advice for his
fiancée: Break it off, move out, and move on. If this is the same guy (if you
live in the Twin Cities, Minnesota, area) then I gotta tell you, there is a lot
more going on than communication issues.

Blue-Balled
Lady

I'm engaged to a wonderful man, and wanted to offer a general
response to all the engaged and want-to-be-engaged people in last week's
column. (Oh, and there's a reason my man and I are engaged, and not married,
and that's because marriage isn't something to rush into, especially if you
have unresolved issues. Especially sexual issues.)

To RHM: You know what his girlfriend is probably doing while
he's in the other room jacking off? Jacking off. Couples that have been
together a long time, and have work, volunteering, and other commitments don't
always want to jump into bed every night, and that's okay. On the nights when
partner feels frisky and the other doesn't, they both need to be okay with
being content with their right hand. And on nights when they're both in the
mood for a little self-love, masturbating with your partner is a great way to
both get off, and still feel close.

To Bi Bi Bridie: Wow. You're not ready to get married if your
husband can't accept that he's marrying a bi woman, and that at some point,
you'll need an outlet besides lesbo porn. My fiancé and I are both bi, and early
in the relationship, we discussed that in depth. Our agreement? Bi dirty talk
in bed, the occasional pegging for him, and a lot of oral sex for me. And if
that's not enough, we've both agreed that bringing someone else into the
bedroom, with both partners there, is a reasonable outlet for both of us.

To Adam: I find it heartwarming, but misguided, that people
think that the dickwads that run this country will give a shit if liberal
heterosexual couples stop marrying—or at least enough of a shit to suddenly
make gay marriage legal everywhere. So if you're ready to get married, get
married. But always remember you're damn lucky to be able to do so, and let you
voices be heard (on the Internet, in letters to your congressmen, at
uncomfortable Republican dinner parties). And if we still can't secure the
legal right to marry for everyone in this country, you can follow the plan that
my fiancé and I plan to follow: We're going to have several adorable children
and teach them when they're tots that some people love people of the same sex
and that they have as much a right to get married as mommy and daddy. A future
generation of pro-gay-marriage voters will have more power than a handful of
heteros refusing to go to the altar today.

Engaged Boston Babe

In
regards to your answer to Bi Bi Bridie, the engaged bisexual girl who misses
the lesbian sex, I am in complete agreement with you, except for this: "his
irrational ultimatums…"

To
me, this situation just seems to be one of basic sexual incompatibility. Asking
that one's future spouse remain faithful to you is not irrational; it's
something that many, many people consider a basic foundation for commitment or
marriage. This guy isn't comfortable with his wife having extramarital sex,
regardless of gender. He wants monogamy; he doesn't want to be cheated on. That
doesn't make him an irrational tyrant. It just makes him probably not the best
long-term partner for someone who isn't comfortable with long-term monogamy.

Another
Perspective

I've
been reading your column for many years now. I consider you to be more
enlightened than most of the populace, at least when it comes to human
interaction. I frequently quote your advice, even! So it felt like a kick in
the nuts to see you make a wonderfully ignorant, flippant remark about
schizophrenics and schizophrenia in your last column.

Do
you remember when humor was the weapon used to justify persecuting homosexuals?
Funny how mental illness is still fair game. It's perfectly okay to make a joke
about "schizos" and their "multiple personalities," but the truth is, any
mental illness can, and should be, treated no different than cancer, or HIV. I
was diagnosed with schizophrenia nearly 10 years ago. I'm good-looking, my IQ
puts me in the top 10 percent, I'm successful, and I'd be glad to write your
column for a week to prove I know the ins and outs of reality and human interaction
just as well as any "normal" person. I don't see or talk to God, I don't cover
my bedroom walls with tinfoil, I don't feel like the CIA is spying on me, and I
don't start wars because God tells me to. Ninety-nine percent of schizophrenics
are nonviolent, harm no one, and a huge portion do not live in a delusionary
dream world. Most of us can function quite normally in society.

Perpetuating
stereotypes about people who many times are misunderstood and ostracized does
nothing but justify alienating them and making it acceptable to make them the
brunt of jokes. I know it wasn't intentional, Dan, but as I respect you, as I
respect your intelligence and compassion, that means I need to hold you
accountable.

Come
on, Dan. You're a hero to this skinny straight white boy, who happens to have a
mental illness. Don't be a Santorum. Sincerely,

K.
Graves

P.S.
I don't need a fucking acronym; I'm proud of who I am.