Is
it summer already? All those Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian ads seem to say "yes."
But the near-absence of excitement generated by this year's forthcoming summer
movies suggests otherwise. Sure, we've got Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of
The Crystal Skull
and Wall-E
ahead of us. But as for the rest… Made Of Honor? The Incredible Hulk? Mamma Mia? Read the titles, and you
can practically hear the chirping of crickets and the powering-up of Xboxes.
Is this the end of the summer blockbuster? For the
purposes of hysterical overstatement, let's just say yes. It was a pretty good
run there for a while. We had two and a half good Star Wars movies, a couple of Spider-Mans that didn't feature emo
Peter Parker, and so on. But audiences still exhausted by the assault of last
year's Transformers-led blockbuster batch will undoubtedly turn their backs on
this year's films. The end is nigh, folks. Probably.
Speed Racer (May 9)
Plot: In a nominally live-action (but CGI-centric)
update of the 1967 anime series, a speed-crazed boy grows up to be speed-crazed
boy-man Emile Hirsch, and sets out to win a race that supposedly claimed the
life of his older brother. Meanwhile, the corporate interests that have been
fixing such races attempt to stop him via nefarious means.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: So it's come to this:
After two disappointing sequels to their groundbreaking movie The Matrix, the Wachowski brothers
are following in Peter Jackson's footsteps and squandering their remaining
cachet on an unnecessary, over-the-top remake of an old chestnut.
Why it might help save them: The concept is terrible.
The plot description is terrible. Judging from the trailers, the acting looks
utterly terrible. But dayum if that ain't one incredibly shiny-looking movie.
Maybe the visuals will help remind people that summer blockbusters are about
brainless gawpery, and if they say "Oooo!" at any point, they forfeit their
right to gripe about any other aspect of a movie.
What
Happens In Vegas… (May 9)
Plot: Two strangers (Ashton Kutcher
and Cameron Diaz) get wasted, make a fortune, and get married during a Vegas
fling. Only not in that order, leading to comedy. Seeking to get out of the
marriage with the fortune intact, they're sentenced to "six months hard
marriage" by Judge Dennis Miller. The result: More comedy.
Why it'll
help kill blockbusters: We didn't particularly care for this movie when it was called How
To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.
Why it
might help save them:
Though Kutcher and Diaz are never comedic sure things, the cast is loaded with
ringers like Rob Corddry, Zach Galifianakis, Jason Sudeikis, and Dennis Farina.
The
Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian (May 16)
Plot: In the second of C.S. Lewis' Narnia novels, the
four siblings from The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe return to the magical land
a year later and find that centuries have passed there and an evil king has
usurped the throne.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Cinematography and effects
that looked breathtaking seven years ago with The Fellowship Of The Ring have become commonplace
and generic, thanks to all the fantasy films Chronicles Of Narnia production company Walden
Media has been pumping out lately.
Why it might help save them: There are five more
Narnia novels to go. If this one makes money like the first one did, Lewis
could keep the blockbuster machine running for the next decade all by himself.
Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal
Skull (May
22)
Plot: Who knows? The first Indiana Jones film in 19
years features Harrison Ford as an older Indy, Cate Blanchett as a Commie,
Karen Allen reprising her role from the first film, and Shia LaBeouf as… Indy's son? A Short Round stand-in? A
little green alien that only Indy can hear? The people who know aren't talking.
Also, there may be some kind of crystal skull involved.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Expectations are
extremely high for a film that reunites the kings of the summer blockbuster,
George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, with a beloved character. If it sucks, it
might be discouraging enough to put audiences off blockbusters forever. It's
not like all of Indy's adventures have worked out that well, either. Temple
Of Doom
continues to fail to improve with the passing of time, and the last time Lucas
tried to revive a long-dormant, fervently appreciated film franchise, we all
know what happened.
Why it might help save them: Spielberg. Ford. Bullwhip
action. There's your movie.
Sex And The City (May 30)
Plot: It didn't seem possible for Manhattan's most
committed martini-sipping bachelorette, but after innumerable breakups with
on-again/off-again boyfriend Mr. Big (Chris Noth), Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah
Jessica Parker) is getting married! What will this mean to her three equally
noxious friends?
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Liberated from the prissy
teetotalers at HBO, this sassy quartet can now do whatever they wa… Wait, how
is this different from TV? Oh yeah, it dilutes all the naughty irreverence
people love about the show in the acid bath of a generic Julia Roberts romantic
comedy.
Why it might help save them: If the film's a success,
it could open the door for other lucrative HBO properties to find their way to
the big screen. John From Cincinnati: The Movie, anyone?
The Strangers (May 30)
Plot: Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman star as a couple heading
to an isolated vacation home for a romantic getaway, but they have to fight for
their lives when three masked assailants terrorize them.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Though similarities
between the two are officially coincidental, The Strangers sounds an awful lot like
a remake of a nasty French horror film from two years ago called Them. And since remakes are
currently killing the horror genre, it only follows that they'll hasten the
blockbuster's demise, too.
Why it might help save them: Just the trailer for this movie makes us
want to curl into fetal balls. If that level of hard-R intensity can be
sustained over 90 minutes, there will be puddles of urine collecting at the
bottom of every theater house in America.
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You
Don't Mess With The Zohan (June 6)
Plot: In the
latest from Beverly Hills Ninja auteur Dennis Dugan, Adam Sandler busts out
another silly voice as a deadly Mossad agent who fakes his own death and moves
to New York to realize his dream of becoming a hairstylist. But Sandler's past
catches up with him when he once again feels obligated to give Saturday
Night Live buddy
Rob Schneider a supporting role. Oh, and he's also pursued by deadly
terrorists.
Why
it'll help kill blockbusters: This is essentially the big-budget, high-concept
equivalent of the annoying guy in the cubicle down the hall who does an
endless, sadistic Borat impersonation during every office party. Besides, didn't I
Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry exhaust Sandler fans' appetite for gay-panic
jokes? Even 12-year-olds will eventually tire of seeing Sandler play characters
who seem gay but totally aren't.
Why
it might help save them: Zohan was co-written by bona fide comical geniuses Robert Smigel and
Judd Apatow. That's gotta help offset the Dugan/Sandler/Schneider factor,
right? What's that? Chuck And Larry was co-written by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor,
and that didn't make a lick of difference? Never mind.
Kung
Fu Panda (June
6)
Plot: A lazy slacker obsessed with kung fu has to become
a kung-fu master in order to fulfill a prophecy and defeat evil. In other
words, The Forbidden Kingdom, except all the characters are CGI furries.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Is there no acceptable form
for animated kiddie fare these days other than "ensemble of wacky animals with
celebrity voices"? (Panda production company DreamWorks is also churning
out Madagascar 2
later this year.)
Why it might help save them: People like pandas, and
there aren't many of them left. People like Kung Fu Panda star Jack Black, and
there's only one of him. Maybe the relative paucity of Jack-Black-voiced pandas
will help even out the glut of critter comedies.
The Happening (June 13)
Plot: An environmental catastrophe creeps up
unexpectedly, turning the country upside down and leaving mixed-up science
teacher Mark Wahlberg in charge of leading his ex-wife and kids to safety.
Then, because this film is written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan, it turns
out that they're all aliens, or superheroes, or dead, or something equally
mind-blowing.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Shyamalan masterminded
the left-field summer smash The Sixth Sense back in 1999, and has
spent the decade since making audiences feel bitter about the time and money
they've wasted on his movies.
Why it might help save them: Though Shyamalan's
screenwriting skills remain pretty suspect, there are few better visual
stylists working in big-budget movies today. When he's on his game, Shyamalan
can make blockbuster movies feel exciting and inspiring again.
The Incredible Hulk (June 13)
Plot: Bruce Banner, now looking a lot less like Eric
Bana and a lot more like Edward Norton, confronts two problems: Figuring out how
to avoid turning into a giant monster when angered, and making moviegoers
forget about the 2003 Ang Lee movie Hulk. (An underappreciated film in our book,
but we're in the minority there.)
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Until footage wowed
attendees at this year's New York Comic-Con, the buzz could hardly be more
toxic. Most of the bad vibes came from Norton/Marvel editing-room wrangling
over the final cut, which has since been resolved. Probably. Also, is it just
us, or does the Hulk look a lot more like a tint-adjusted pro wrestler than a
spectacular creature this time out?
Why it might help save them: Director Louis Leterrier (The
Transporter)
promised a stronger, faster, actionier Hulk movie. If he succeeds, it could be
a lot of fun. Also, Tim Roth plays a villain called The Abomination.
Get Smart (June 20)
Plot: Steve Carell revives the character of bumbling
super-spy Maxwell Smart in a comic romp that seems to play up the slapstick and
disregard the original series' parody of Cold War politics.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Boy, a big-screen version
of a corny old TV show… Now, that's something you don't see every day! (Note: Comment
made from underneath CONTROL's "cone of sarcasm.")
Why it might help save them: Within weeks of the
movie's release, video stores will be selling a spin-off DVD called Get
Smart's Bruce And Lloyd Out Of Control—a clever bit of ancillary marketing that
could change the way blockbusters are sold and consumed.
The
Love Guru
(June 20)
Plot: In his
latest affront to the gods of comedy, Mike Myers plays an American-born,
Indian-raised guru who uses his spiritual gifts to broker a reconciliation
between a professional hockey player (Romany Malco) and his wife. A
discouraging sign: We're already sick of this character, and the film hasn't
even screened yet.
Why
it'll help kill blockbusters: Judging by the previews, Myers has bucked the odds
and created a new character more obnoxious than Austin Powers and his Cat In
The Hat combined. Elements of the Hindu community have preemptively attacked
the film as offensive.
Why
it might help save them: Cat In The Hat aside, Myers remains inexplicably popular with filmgoers
who apparently enjoy having the same lazy shtick shoved down their collective
throat over and over. A good rule of thumb for late-period Myers projects: The
more contempt he shows his fan base, the bigger the box-office gross. By that
standard, this should be huge.
WALL-E (June 27)
Plot: Finding Nemo helmer Andrew Stanton and his Pixar team largely
leave dialogue behind to tell the story of a plucky robot's comic and romantic
adventures on a post-apocalyptic Earth (and in the ring of human-piloted
spacecraft surrounding it).
Why
it'll help kill blockbusters:
Judging by the previews and Pixar's past track record, WALL-E promises to be a charming, funny,
inventive, sweet new animated classic. If a movie like that fails to find an
audience, then what's the goddamn point?
Why it might help save them: How could a charming,
funny, inventive, sweet new animated classic fail to find an audience?
Wanted (June 27)
Plot: In what looks to be a loose adaptation of Mark
Millar and J.G. Jones' clever, nasty graphic novel, James McAvoy plays a loser
who inherits his dad's super-assassin powers. Angelina Jolie and Morgan Freeman
co-star as members of a secret assassins' guild.
Why it'll help kill blockbusters: Director Timur Bekmambetov
has developed a cult following for his hallucinatory horror films Night
Watch and Day Watch, but
neither is known for coherence. A swirl of gunfire and cool effects shots does
not a summer blockbuster make.
Why it might help save them: Swirls of gunfire plus
cool effects shots plus a story worth telling could a summer blockbuster
make.
Tomorrow: Our preview continues with July and
August in summer blockbusters, featuring the, er, eagerly anticipated sequels
to Hellboy, The
X-Files, Star
Wars, The
Mummy, and, um, The
Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants.