Scientist designs the “perfect human body” and it’s—oh my god, no

Humans are, in a word, flawed. Despite what associates of Kirk Cameron might have you believe, our bodies were not designed by a loving, practical god, but rather some omniscient prankster who longed to see his meat puppets trip over their own shoelaces and lick melted ice cream off their dirty hands.

It makes sense, then, for one to imagine what a perfect human body might actually look like, but anatomist Alice Roberts took it a step further by actually designing one as well, incorporating the various anatomical wonders of other species into her own human form. That design was brought to life by a team of effects artists that included virtual sculptor Scott Eaton and SFX model maker Sangeet Prabhaker, with the finished product debuting at the University of Birmingham in the U.K.

And the result, while no doubt bigger, stronger, and faster than your average human, looks like a cross between Legolas, Krang, and James McAvoy’s The Chronicles Of Narnia character.

In the above video from the BBC, Roberts breaks down her numerous “improvements,” which include:

• the “reliable heart of a dog”
• the “shock-absorbing legs” of an emu
• a chimp’s “sturdy lower back”
• the “graceful lungs” of a swan
• a “choke-proof windpipe”

Oh, and if you’re wondering why there’s a baby’s head in the gut of the damn thing, rest assured that this baby is nestled in a marsupial pouch that allows for a “pain-free childbirth.”

“This could be a human fit for the future,” says Roberts at the video’s end, a revelation that we greet with the same nervous tittering uttered by the live audience. Still, if this is the only way to defeat the motherfucking robot dogs, so it shall be.