Screw Goop—spend your new age mad money at Stephen Colbert's conclave for rich suckers

Returning from last week’s vacation, Stephen Colbert dove right back into the deep end of the late-night, current events infotainment programming with three full segments with Democratic Congressman and guy assuring the nation that the Democrats actually have a plan, Adam Schiff. To that latter point, Schiff told Colbert that the Select Committee on the January 6 Attack (of which Schiff is a member) is definitely going to do something about Steve Bannon and other Trump administration coup accomplices defying those subpoenas, that Trump’s lawsuit to block that committee from seeing evidence of his whole overthrow-democracy thing will fail, and, essentially, that any suspicions people have that the Democratic Party is constitutionally overmatched, waffling, and unprepared to battle for the soul of America are just plain crazy talk.

But enough about a soulless grifter’s plot to play upon white America’s worst self, let’s talk about Gwyneth Paltrow. Colbert’s made merry sport of the Oscar-winning actor’s increasing focus on separating the gullible and dissatisfied wealthy from their cash in the past, with his faux lifestyle brand Covetton House mimicking the new age gibberish sales pitch of Paltrow’s not-at-all-a-cult wellness brand, Goop. Viewers may recall when Paltrow, attempting to show she could take a humor-joke, appeared alongside Colbert for a Covetton House-Goop crossover bit, but Monday’s Late Show continued the trend of mercilessly mocking Patrow’s medically suspect side hustle. As Paltrow’s upcoming, in-person wellness summit, In Goop Health (flip that “p” upside down to get the focus-grouped joke), Colbert couldn’t resist putting his own spin on luxury-priced inner peace with the Covetton House knockoff, Summit-ton House.

Now, making fun of a celebrity influencer making bank off of those who truly believe that, in this tumultuous and trying time, true peace of mind can only come through bullet journaling and smoothly expensive goods inserted in one’s orifices might be easy pickings. But, then again, when an acclaimed actor goes all-in on sketchy medical “experts” and the healing power of a really good vaginal steaming, what’s a wiseass late-night host to do? So Covetton House is one-upping everything promised by In Goop Health’s (again, not-at-all cultish) video sales pitch. Paltrow touts her gathering’s efforts toward, “moving the needle… with the intention of engaging with our dreams in new ways,” so Colbert 100 percent guarantees the life-altering effectiveness of Summit-ton House’s breakout session on “creatively cultivating creativity cultivation,” and the restorative experience of buying overpriced merch.

“These seminars redefine pushing the intention ground, and engage the needle in new dreams,” promised the suddenly ascot-sporting Colbert, going on to mock Paltrow’s paltry Goop perk of summit attendees getting to Tokyo Drift in a souped-up, corporate-synergized Porsche roadster. Experts say that nothing keeps you centered like squealing around a closed race track on wet red asphalt that, Colbert notes while showing Paltrow’s pitch video, looks like it’s soaked in “the blood of the less fortunate.” (Plus, Summit-ton House has monster trucks.) Colbert also upped the ante on Patrow’s $1,000 Goop summit entrance fee ($1,450 with the “ask Gwyneth anything” VIP add-on), promising that Summit-ton House’s eight grand ticket comes with a ten-times more expensive “tell me anything” breakout session with Colbert, as long as that anything includes your routing number and mother’s maiden name.