A good rule of thumb for films striving to capture the pop-culture zeitgeist is that the timelier a film's subject matter is when its production begins, the more dated it's going to look even two years down the line. A perfect example: the vaguely rave-themed drama Seamless, a direct-to-video 1998 monstrosity that already looks as relevant as any break-dancing or Valley Girl epic from the darker recesses of the Reagan era. Making his little-awaited screen debut, Steven Seagal's charisma-impaired son Kentaro stars as Seamless' Christ-like hero, whose penchant for delivering hilariously overwrought, stream-of-consciousness babble in a sleepy monotone is meant to establish him as a figure of great wisdom and depth. Peter Alexander co-stars as a demonic employee of Seagal's store who resents his boss' fondness for a group of club-addled street kids whom he not only employs, but also leads on a field trip to sample a supposedly psychoactive substance from a nearby cave. Eager to discredit his partner/rival, Alexander breaks the news to Seagal's proteges that their beloved mentor is giving them harmless tree sap instead of drugs. The news understandably sends the horrified ne'er-do-wells on a downward spiral, leading them to abandon Seagal to pursue less wholesome activities such as prostitution, shoplifting, and selling drugs for the coke-crazed Alexander. Seamless grows increasingly lurid and overwrought as it progresses, maintaining a level of tedium likely to challenge even the most chemically enhanced viewers' patience. The result is a film that would have been deemed unreleasable were it not for the presence of rising starlet Shannon Elizabeth (as Seagal's girlfriend), who lent her negligible presence and sizable bosom to two of the least deserving blockbusters of the last decade, American Pie and Scary Movie. "What could be better than this?" one of Seamless' coked-up children of the damned sarcastically inquires late in the film. The question applies equally to his ramshackle living arrangement and the movie in which he's stuck. Answer: Just about everything.