Senate investigation into Zero Dark Thirty closed after successfully preventing an Oscar victory

Representing a rare mission accomplished for the U.S. Congress, the Senate Intelligence Committee has dropped its investigation into Zero Dark Thirty, having successfully protected the nation from the horrors of Zero Dark Thirty winning any major Oscars. The victory comes after months of investigation that involved writing angry press releases condemning the film as “grossly inaccurate and misleading,” and an inquiry into the filmmakers’ contacts with the CIA that was more or less subsumed by inquiries into how John McCain was feeling that day. Maverick methods to be sure, but inarguably effective in ensuring that Zero Dark Thirty was almost entirely snubbed on Sunday, for the safety of the homeland.

A congressional aide tells Reuters that the committee closed its investigation the morning after the Oscars, having achieved everything it set out to do. Any information gathered during that investigation—an inquiry that took up two months of the committee’s time, but again, successfully prevented the unthinkable outcome of a Zero Dark Thirty Oscar win—will remain confidential. Even under torture, which is no longer an Oscar-worthy method of interrogation, thanks to the brave efforts of the Senate Intelligence Committee.